Confessions.

I don’t know why I felt like blogging suddenly. I was just watching a movie and just as soon as I finish watching it, I turned on my laptop and out and started to type out my feelings. I wanted to blog so much but I cant get the internet connection somehow. So I guess I’ll just type it here, in Microsoft word and update my blog later.

We had a fight.

I don’t know why but its just that these days we cant communicate.

Why? I wonder.

I was just staring at space, and started to wonder.  Where did it went wrong? Is it me? Am I not understanding enough. I don’t understand. That’s the problem with people. They will never know who’s wrong first.  I thought I was okay with the fight and all. Happily going through my life like how I used to do it everyday but I realise that im just avoiding the truth.

You know, at times, I just wonder whats wrong with me. If everyone starts to leave me one by one, it must be me. Well, not everyone. Its just people I care about most. Like, my bestfriends.

And,

Others.

You know, I cant really take it anymore. Well, if you’re starting to get annoyed about my rantings, there’s an “X” button at the right top corner of the screen. You are welcomed to press that.

Back to the point,

So, I was just pausing my life and started to think. Just why. And how. Why can relationships (in general) could be so fragile? How, HOW, did it ended up like this. I’ve not been posting on my blog because I finally found someone to talk to. EVERYTHING that happened in my life. But you see, its different now. I cant find someone else to talk to if I had a fight with that particular person. So, who do I have?

I started to regret not treating my really close friends in highschool right. Not like I tortured them or something. Its just that, I was selfish.  I didn’t really care about their feelings. I want it and so I must get it kinda thing. And at that time, I just cared about how I felt.

Regret. Is a very deep word. It means that you wish you can turn back time and change things.

WHICH, is impossible.

So I start treating people very nice, and I started to give them everything they ask for, hoping that history does not repeat. But, sadly, its just not working. I don’t know how to express it. The kind of feeling that you cant express because its just so deep. too deep.

I don’t know where this post is taking me to. It makes me realised so many things. Guessed I wasn’t mature enough to realise it when I was younger.

You know, I really wonder who will attend my funeral if I die one day. Humans. Arent they creatures that hide their true feelings and just keep it to themselves until one day, that person you care for doesn’t exist in this world anymore and they just, regret.

Its been a long time since I feel like suddenly, something just hit something hard on my face. 

Like you got stabbed right on your heart, tearing you apart.

Feeling lost.

Feeling lonely.

Felt like you did not belong to this world.

Feeling different.

If one day my ex-bestfriends or other people who are suppose to see this post, I hope they forgive me for everything I have done. I know Im not a  good friend nor a good person to be with.

People tend to backspace what they really want to type. And then hide what they want to say back into their heart and type out a lie. I say that because that was what I was doing. Because I care what people think about me the moment they read this. But I know the right thing to do isn’t this.

Im currently listening to the song “I wanna make love in this club”. There’s a lot of memories in this song. I remembered I was singing this to my bestfriend and she was just giving me the “ewh” look.. and we would both just laugh about it. Well, now, she’s still my friend. But a distanced one.

I miss highschool. Form 3 and form 4, to be specific. Form 5 is just too much for me to take in. So, I don’t know why I was drifting further apart with people who used to be my bestfriends. I still couldn’t figured it out. But I didn’t have the guts to ask them. Now, whenever I see them, I felt like a stranger to them no matter how much I tried to make conversations with them.

The truth is, I’m devastated about this. I have happy dreams every night whenever I sleep everyday and its about the happiness I’ve been through with my high school bestfriends those days. And when I wake up in the morning, I would just stare at the ceiling. And I would be thinking, it was just a dream.

I tried to move on but it was too difficult for me. I’m listening to “graduation by vitamin C”. I’ve always love that song.

“We will still be friends forever.”

That’s what they sang. The fact that everything will not be the same again really hurts me.

I’ve tried. So hard. To keep things same. But I guess it JUST WONT be the same again. Like, I’ve organised my birthday party, and only 2 of my highschool friends came. Only 2. Out of 50, probably? When all of them said no, I thought they were just joking. I thought they wanted to surprise me. On that day, before the party, I cried so hard. And everytime I get a birthday msg from one of my bestfriends, the smile on my face could last a day. But at the same time, some just didn’t wish me. I was actually quite disappointed. Im not trying to point out anyone or blame anyone here. I know they couldn’t make it. Its not that they don’t want to. Oh well, life.

It can never be perfect.

Wow. I’ve written so much. But you probably wont understand a thing. Its just that I’ve so much problems these days and I wish, I wish that someday, someone would understand me and listen to all my problems. Not just SOME RANDOM PERSON, but probably my bestfriends? I just hope one day they would call up and just say hi or something. Probably, laugh about the past? I don’t know.

Guess I’ll just go with it.

 Well, I’ll stop here.

Till then,