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Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Let's mourn for this blog. It's gonna be dead. Cause I made another blog to vent my sadness and frustrations. I shall keep this blog for happy memories :) I decided I shouldnt let everyone thinks tht I'm some emo freak :/ anyway, yeah :)

Thanks, people, if you're reading this, I'm glad you still read my blog. You know who you are. :)
You will always be lingered in my memories. :)

Love you people <3 p="p">

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Definitely karma.

I'm laying on my bed, and blogging here. These few days, I've been re- reading my posts.. And especially around 2008 and 2009. There's so much memories. And I REALISED in 2008, I keep posting Posts about why girls cry over guys.. It's so stupid, so dumb. Especially when it happened to my ex best friend. I owe her an apology. I still remember how close we were, how much we laugh, how much we enjoy being together all the time. But when she told me she still love her boyfriend who sorta cheated on her. I was furious with her. I was angry because I felt she didn't love herself enough. I keep thinking why is she so dumb. So stupid, to keep going back to the guy who broke her heart again, and again.

I think that time, she didn't really take whatever I said. Well, I thought she didn't. And at tht time, I thought to myself, why should I continue loving her when she doesn't even love herself? And at that time, I had him. When I had him, he's like the whole world to me, like I needed no one else. Everyday I would just text and talk to him. And totally ignore my friends, especially my best friend. At stupid enough, I thought I'm right at that time. I remember writing a very hurtful letter to my best friend for her birthday and I gave her back the note that she wrote to me and sticked it on my wall. And then she told another friend she was offended. And I got even angrier with her. Since then, I didn't talk to her much. I bet it hurts her like fuck. Broke up with not only the guy she loves but with her best friend, who she thought was her soulmate. Who would understand her decision, back her up when she needed, me.

But she was wrong. And I left her. I left her, broken. And worst of all, I didn't care. Like what kind of horrible friend I am?

A very horrible one.

Karma. It's karma.

Now I'm all by myself. And I need a friend, a friend who knows what the heck I'm going through and why the heck I'm listening to no one and still constantly loving him non stop. Serve me right.

These days, I kept thinking, why can't I stop thinking about the person I love so much eventhough we're not together? Simple, Sandra. You just and still love him. And then it hit me. It hit me effin hard, and I finally understood why my best friend cried all the time because of her ex. And I am the reason she broke up with her bf. Because I constantly told her not to go back or I'll leave. She hesitated at that time, and I left. When she finally decided to not return to her bf, she REALISED I left already. And I wasn't turning back for her.

Right here, right now, all the memories are haunting me. I realise the reason she wanted to go back to her bf after he promised her tht he would change. Because its so difficult to make a guy change. Every single girl thought they could make a guy change for her. But we're so dumb. So stupid. No one can make no one change other than themselves. And just when she thought her guy would change for her, her best friend over HERE leaves her, ignores her. Because the best friend over HERE thinks she's so dumb. Assuring her constantly to NOT believe the guy she loves because if he can do it once, he can do it twice.

And now, I'm here. Wishing, just wishing that my guy would promise me that he would love me just the way he did. But no. All those were just dreams. Dreams that will never come true no matter how much I pray.

 I had nightmares everyday. Nightmares about my best friend and a constant motion picture that me and him were walking to somewhere happily and he suddenly stopped and flings my hand away, rolled his eyes at me, turns back and walks away from me, leaving me, broken. Standing right there, dumbfounded, reminding myself this is not true, this won't be true, he wouldn't do such things to me. This is not true.

Yeah. True enough, it's not true. Cause he already DID walk away.

Every single night, I had to cry to sleep because all the memories haunt me and in the morning I wake up, I asked myself, what's wrong with me. Why did I cry? Why whatever philosophy I said 4 years ago in my blog doesn't apply to my life now?

I know. I know, now. That is not effin easy. Not easy at all.

And right now, I owe an apology to my best friend. Eventhough we still talk now, but we're definitely not as close right now. It used to be 1000 smses a month and phone calls everyday without fail and meeting 7 days a week. Now, it's just some birthday messages and random greets. I'm sorry, A. I really wish I could run to you and hug you as tight as I could. I'm sorry. Very sorry.

Karma. Definitely karma.