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Tuesday, March 27, 2012


This song is for you.

It's difficult.

Everyone said that I might just think a little too much.
Everyone is on his side.

I know, I know. No one wants to see us being apart. But it's difficult.
No one will ever know and feel what I'm going through.
No one knows how many litres of tears I cried.
No one gets my point.
No one understands me.

It's really difficult. We always talked about our future. We already decided on the color of our wedding invitation. How many kids we would want. Which wedding dress I would want to wear whenever we passed by Loke Yew road, I would point to you. Just going home from college makes me feel so miserable.

Every road gave me so much memories. It's just too much. Like we would argue on which road to take, purposely stopping awhile during the yellow light so that the car behind us can't pass the traffic light. We laughed so hard at them. Passing the mall makes me realize the times we had in the mall. Where we watch movies and we were freezing to death but you wrap your jacket around me and you yourself felt so cold and fell sick the next day. Also, the times when I stand at the elevator door that has a mirror which makes me skinnier. And I would ask you to take a picture together, so that I could pretend to be thinner and you would laugh at me. 3 years isn't such a short time.

We went through so much but now, things change. Like you said, people change. I wonder if you still kiss me in the picture you pasted on your wardrobe everyday. You said I didn't appreciate you. I felt more than hurt.

I've done so much for you. I planned so many surprises for you just to make you happy but sadly, now after you met her, you're never satisfied with me.

What happened? People ask why? Why am I even thinking about breaking up. Is there no turning back?

Personally, I myself don't know how to answer this question.

The matter is, it isn't only about her. It's also about the difference in opinion between us.

You're indecisive. When I decide, you said I'm controlling you. I never ever wanted to make you choose between you and your mom. Never. I never wanted to make you feel bad but if you couldnt even spare one hour in a week for me. Who are you to call yourself my boyfriend? Not to mention, the duration of calls becomes shorter and shorter everyday. Now we've come to this stage where we don't even talk. But once we talk, we argue. Again, what happened?

I know you have your rights to have other friends. Other girl, friends. I never thought of controlling who you should make friends with and who you shouldn't. I wouldn't mind if you have girl friends, because you never controlled me. But seriously? Spending time with her everyday, have breakfast, have lunch, and almost dinner? Still, I don't mind. But going to her house? That's a little too much dont you think? Yes, people ask me why don't I talk to you nicely and everything. I had. You promised me not to be too close and there I heard another time that you went to her house again.

You ask me what's wrong?
Why not?
Not like you're going to make out or something. You're just going there to do maths. Why? Why can't you think of my feelings? You know I don't like it, why can't you ask another friend?

Fine, if SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DO THE QUESTION IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, why can't you ask her in tuition?

Why can't you ask her to go a little earlier and you go a little earlier to tuition so that she can teach you? Fine, its not convenient. Then why can't you go to a public space, like a coffee shop or a restaurant to do it? FINE, IT'S NOISY. THEN WHY CAN'T YOU DO THE WORK EARLIER AND YOU CAN ASK HER IN SCHOOL SINCE YOU SEE HER EVERYDAY IN SCHOOL. WHY CAN'T YOU ASK HER IN THE CAR WHEN YOU CARPULL WITH HER EVERYDAY. WHY CAN'T YOU ASK HER IN SCHOOL WHEN YOU'RE HAPPILY ENJOYING BREAKFAST WITH HER.




AND ALL YOU COULD ANSWER IS, "I thought you wouldn't mind".
And I would say, I'VE TOLD YOU. Even if we're at this stage that we're almost breaking up, Im so worried about you.

Knowing you so well, I know you can't take it. Instead of caring about my feelings, all I was worried about is you. I wanted to check out from your friends but it seems like she's your bestest friend and I would of course not, ask her. So, I did something inappropriate which is to log in your facebook account. Oh my.

Tears can't stop rolling down my cheeks. You seem to be fine talking to her. Got to know that you've been chatting with her for 5 hours since you return from school. Called her. Text her. So, so disappointed.

Apart of telling her all our problems, you actually say things that you would usually say to me. If you don't know what I'm talking about. Go read your conversation with her again. Then maybe you would realize.

Imagine how I feel. Seriously? My heart ache more than anything else in the world. How, how could I continue loving someone who barely cares about my feeling. I know, I really do know you worked hard to save this relationship. You did tried. But not hard enough. I did so much but you still didn't get it. Only until we reached this stage, you try to save your relationship.

Why didn't you do it earlier? It's a little too late. I still love you but baby, this is too much. You even said you didn't feel like my boyfriend. You should know why I avoided you. If you can't even stand me after reading this, think again.

 How are you going to stand being my husband one day.

If you think you spoilt me at the start, I'm sorry. I tried to change. To make everything up to you. I tried to understand you and let you do it your way but I'm sorry, I can't. I can't take this anymore. It's just too much.

It's not any easier for me to go through this because I do. I do still love you. Alot. But I'm sorry. If you want US to continue, you got to earn it yourself. If not, thanks.

Thanks for the memories.