Twenty.

So, I'm finally twenty.

And I'm wondering why my laptop is right in front of me and I have the time to write this post on my birthday morning..

I'm starting to hate birthdays.

I always thought its always the happiest day of my life every year.

No.

In fact it makes me sad.

I can't believe its my birthday, and I'm just laying on my bed with my laptop in my pajamas..

Friends? Where are they?

Some prolly thought there would be alot of people celebrating with me.
Some of them not in KL.
Some of them not in Malaysia.
Some of them are really busy.
Some of them feels awkward to meet me if its not a party.
Some of them.. just, couldn't make it last minute.
Some of them.. just.. can never make it anymore for my birthday for the rest of my life.

As I'm typing, I know exactly who am I talking about in every "some" of them.

I was really happy till my friends who were suppose to celebrate with me suddenly pulled out due to unforeseen circumstances . Actually, its expected la..

I guess today is just another day for me to think about life. And what I really want to wish for.

Seems like my wishes never come true before........... since everything I've wished for all my life.. did not come true at all.. Whether its family and relatives' health, my own health, studies, love, friends, happiness and.. period pain?

I just wanted a place to vent out how I feel, then at least in the future, I know I felt at this point. I feel like I'm just gonna tear up but.. I won't let myself cry on my birthday no matter how sad am I...

Anyway,

I got a call from someone last night. Although its the same person, and the same voice. It seems to sound different. A different tone. Never thought our conversation would be like that.. it was a nice one.. but for me, it wasn't a pleasant one. At times, I thought some words are sincere but in the end, to that person, it was a joke.

Well, I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny at all to me.

Instead, it hurts.

To know, that what you thought was sincere and true.. wasn't.

Last year's birthday was a nightmare to me. It was a day where I finally know the truth of everything, and how much it hurts me.

I thought this year would be different.

Seems like, nothing had changed and I'm the one who changed.

When my friend couldn't go out to celebrate with me,

if it was me last time, I would have rage and get angry at her, and not talk to her for months and i will hate her and i get so so mad. I would wanna make her feel bad and stuff like that..

But this time, when i knew about it, I was just like, "oh.. okay.. its okay.. its not your fault. I wanted to stay at home anyway. Perfect :) "

I didn't want her to feel bad.

Maybe, I've became more considerate.

After going through so much, I guess I know how it feels to be hurt and get hurt by words. So, I guess I don't want anyone to get hurt emotionally as well. Especially my friends.

Maybe that's why I'm the only one hurting, all the time.

Nonetheless, I love my friends because they were there whenever I needed them..

Except.. today.


hmm..

Happy 20th Birthday, Sandra Cheah! :)




Till then,