Breakdowns.

wow.

Just wow.

All along I thought I was just nervous for exams but today was just.. wow.

I had 3 exams today, traditional harmony, contemporary harmony and private instruction, which is practical.

Can't believe I'm googling how to stop hyperventilation.

I always exaggerate that I hyperventilate when I'm excited or whatever.

But today, I finished my paper and I had 5 minutes to check, and I realised I did one question wrongly, I was so nervous that I just erased everything and I was just blank. I tried filling in notes but my hands were shaking tremendously. I couldn't think. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn't breathe. And when my lecturer collected the paper, I stood up and everything was just spinning.

I walked out of the class and my bestfriends were laughing at me cause I was not walking straight. They thought I was joking and right when I walked out of the class, I almost fell but luckily I was leaning against the wall, i couldn't see properly, my heart was beating so fast and I was about to blackout. I couldn't breathe, I was gasping for air and tears started rolling down my cheeks because I couldn't breathe.

Right when I wanted to fall, my best friend caught me and helped me to sit down. Phoebe helped me to sit on the chair and held my hand, I could hear Phoebe telling me to BREATHE, SANDRA.. BREATHE! Her face was as pale as mine while Heng Wei was looking for my phone. She wanted to call my mom and send me to the hospital.

I remember that moment. It was so scary. So this is how hyperventilation really feels like.

At that moment, I really thought i was going to choke till death or something. I always say I feel like dying and then I realise I was trying really very hard to gasp for air.

It really shocked me that I could actually get panic attacks.

Phew, I gotta get out from this depression and stressed up state as soon as possible.

Many people think I'm just this happy bubbly girl all the time,

:: What you see is not what it seems. 

Humans tend to look at things that are obvious and what they think they should be looking at, which is obviously that human there and that smile. 

Yet, they don't know how difficult it is for a person to walk through that rocky road just to move forward and still keep that smile on the face. 

I'm struggling to be fine. 

Someone, help me through this.