The fact that I gotta write this down instead of telling it to the people whom are concerned, is just.. sad.
I was watching the video I made for my bestfriends..
And then I was wondering, where did all these happiness come from?
How did these things happen?
I didn't make this video because I was interested in making videos. No, its not like that. Making that video was tough for me because every single effort I put in there, was done, with love. And I made that video when I knew everyone was upset about something. It wasn't for someone's birthday or anything. I didn't want to make it a point where I only gift you guys something on your special day. I wanted you girls to know that, I would be there, if you need me. Whenever, wherever. Especially at your worst.
That the background song, wasn't just a background song about some stupid friendship. Every single phrase of the song, reminded me of a special particular memory of us.
And no, I didn't simply take random videos and put it into the song and call it "a video I made for you girls." Every moment I had with you girls, at some point, I know some of us might just forget this and at that split second, one day, everything will change. But memories will last forever.
I don't know how to explain this but it really has a special deep meaning to it to me.
Maybe, just maybe, you would never understand how much you girls actually mean to me.
These past few weeks had been so tough for me, again.
And I can't figure out the reason behind it. I seem to be okay but I know deep down I've been shutting down.
And these few days had been the worst, because I would shut myself from everyone..
I feel like, I don't know how to communicate with my friends anymore. Especially my bestfriends. I don't seem to understand why my good intentions are never seen? I remember someone told me that I must always see the positive side of EVERY SINGLE thing instead of questioning people's decision. And so, I tried.
I never really did ask why for anything anymore.
I just tried to.. not question ANYTHING. But again, its like, I'm never doing something right. And all my good intentions are always mistaken. I don't understand because I did these things because I care.. and that I love these people. But it doesn't really seem that way because they don't feel loved or cared or something. It just made them feel negative. And unhappy whenever I care about something.
I remember saying,"One day when I stop arguing with you people, it means I stopped caring."
Right now, I feel like I speechless how people, especially you girls think of me. The fact that you mistaken these little things made me feel so disappointed. Because its suppose to be "a little thing" and there shouldn't be any misunderstandings because apparently, we are suppose to know each other inside out.
But again, I was wrong.
I came to a point where I'm so tired of saying,"I'm sorry. I didn't think of your feelings. And I shouldn't have done that because I didn't know it would hurt your feelings."
And no, its not because I'm tired of apologizing. It's because it came to a point where I thought....
Hey, Sandra. If you didn't even think of doing this, or even say anything, NONE of this would actually happen. You wouldn't upset anyone nor even have arguments with these people that you really love.
They say,"oh no la.. its not like that.. its just that, the closer you are to someone, the more violated the person feel if you this this and that that....."
I don't know how true is that. And I still don't understand why.
Right now, I'm not angry or pissed at anyone. I feel like I've been so damn stressed lately that my emotional problems are coming in again.
"You gotta stop being so emotional over everything, Sandra."
Does it happen to cross your mind that its not my choice? I've been trying to change so much for everyone to be a better person. And I'm trying so so so hard to be a better person. In this process, I AM losing myself. No doubt. But if its the bad side of me, I don't mind losing. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm taken granted for.
Like,"No, Sandra.. you gotta think from his point.. and her point of view.. and her feelings and his feelings.."
And then.... have you guys ever thought of mine?
To be very very effin honest, it is not easy, AT ALL. For me to go through so many things ESPECIALLY my health problems. From the outside, I still look fine, don't I? I'm disappointed because I've been mistaken as "using my friends" to do things for me because "I'm not capable of taking care of myself."
HOLD ON A MINUTE.
Wait, what? Did I just hear that coming out from my bestfriend's mouth?
So then what am I suppose to feel?
I don't want to even start a conversation with my bestfriends because I'm so afraid to know the truth and that I've came to the point that all these while, maybe, its just me, holding on to things too tightly till these people don't feel uncomfortable.
Then would it be better if I just disappear from your lives?
Call me an extremist.
But think for me too.
I'm trying to heal here. I'm feeling very very lost. And confused.
And the last thing I need to hear from my bestfriends after all I've done for them is,
"Everyone have burdens. You need to learn how to take care of yourself."
Umm. YES, I know.
So that is the exact reason why I'm shutting myself out from everyone.
So that I'm no longer a burden to anyone.
Come to think of it,
Maybe this is the exact reason why people actually suicide.