Mourn.

Let's mourn for this blog. It's gonna be dead. Cause I made another blog to vent my sadness and frustrations. I shall keep this blog for happy memories :) I decided I shouldnt let everyone thinks tht I'm some emo freak :/ anyway, yeah :)

Thanks, people, if you're reading this, I'm glad you still read my blog. You know who you are. :)
You will always be lingered in my memories. :)

Love you people <3 p="p">

Definitely karma.

I'm laying on my bed, and blogging here. These few days, I've been re- reading my posts.. And especially around 2008 and 2009. There's so much memories. And I REALISED in 2008, I keep posting Posts about why girls cry over guys.. It's so stupid, so dumb. Especially when it happened to my ex best friend. I owe her an apology. I still remember how close we were, how much we laugh, how much we enjoy being together all the time. But when she told me she still love her boyfriend who sorta cheated on her. I was furious with her. I was angry because I felt she didn't love herself enough. I keep thinking why is she so dumb. So stupid, to keep going back to the guy who broke her heart again, and again.

I think that time, she didn't really take whatever I said. Well, I thought she didn't. And at tht time, I thought to myself, why should I continue loving her when she doesn't even love herself? And at that time, I had him. When I had him, he's like the whole world to me, like I needed no one else. Everyday I would just text and talk to him. And totally ignore my friends, especially my best friend. At stupid enough, I thought I'm right at that time. I remember writing a very hurtful letter to my best friend for her birthday and I gave her back the note that she wrote to me and sticked it on my wall. And then she told another friend she was offended. And I got even angrier with her. Since then, I didn't talk to her much. I bet it hurts her like fuck. Broke up with not only the guy she loves but with her best friend, who she thought was her soulmate. Who would understand her decision, back her up when she needed, me.

But she was wrong. And I left her. I left her, broken. And worst of all, I didn't care. Like what kind of horrible friend I am?

A very horrible one.

Karma. It's karma.

Now I'm all by myself. And I need a friend, a friend who knows what the heck I'm going through and why the heck I'm listening to no one and still constantly loving him non stop. Serve me right.

These days, I kept thinking, why can't I stop thinking about the person I love so much eventhough we're not together? Simple, Sandra. You just and still love him. And then it hit me. It hit me effin hard, and I finally understood why my best friend cried all the time because of her ex. And I am the reason she broke up with her bf. Because I constantly told her not to go back or I'll leave. She hesitated at that time, and I left. When she finally decided to not return to her bf, she REALISED I left already. And I wasn't turning back for her.

Right here, right now, all the memories are haunting me. I realise the reason she wanted to go back to her bf after he promised her tht he would change. Because its so difficult to make a guy change. Every single girl thought they could make a guy change for her. But we're so dumb. So stupid. No one can make no one change other than themselves. And just when she thought her guy would change for her, her best friend over HERE leaves her, ignores her. Because the best friend over HERE thinks she's so dumb. Assuring her constantly to NOT believe the guy she loves because if he can do it once, he can do it twice.

And now, I'm here. Wishing, just wishing that my guy would promise me that he would love me just the way he did. But no. All those were just dreams. Dreams that will never come true no matter how much I pray.

 I had nightmares everyday. Nightmares about my best friend and a constant motion picture that me and him were walking to somewhere happily and he suddenly stopped and flings my hand away, rolled his eyes at me, turns back and walks away from me, leaving me, broken. Standing right there, dumbfounded, reminding myself this is not true, this won't be true, he wouldn't do such things to me. This is not true.

Yeah. True enough, it's not true. Cause he already DID walk away.

Every single night, I had to cry to sleep because all the memories haunt me and in the morning I wake up, I asked myself, what's wrong with me. Why did I cry? Why whatever philosophy I said 4 years ago in my blog doesn't apply to my life now?

I know. I know, now. That is not effin easy. Not easy at all.

And right now, I owe an apology to my best friend. Eventhough we still talk now, but we're definitely not as close right now. It used to be 1000 smses a month and phone calls everyday without fail and meeting 7 days a week. Now, it's just some birthday messages and random greets. I'm sorry, A. I really wish I could run to you and hug you as tight as I could. I'm sorry. Very sorry.


Karma. Definitely karma.

I was wrong.

It's been a while that I had been staring at this page. I don't even know what to say. Speechless. All I know is my heart hurts. It hurts so much. So much. So. So. Much.

Too much.

I remember talking to your friend for an hour yesterday, telling him how I feel. Telling him to do something. Telling me to return you back to me. He promised me that he would do something. He would try.

I was excited for the day. But my world crumbled down when he told me you talked to him. And he said you made it clear.

I had no idea what he was talking about. I asked him to explain clearer. And then, he said,"he made it clear that he broke up with you."

I stared at the hand phone, dropped it. And I just don't know why tears keep streaming down my face. Like an overflowing river.

Why do you have to be so mean? I told myself that no, you're not like that. I know you said that to make me hate you, forget you, leave you and live on my happy life. Right? RIGHT? Tell me YES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My nose hurts. My pillows are wet. But what hurts the most is my fragile heart.

It just hit me that you're this cold hearted person. It's been so long since I cried this hard. The last time I cried this hard you said you're sorry. You held my hand and say you need me in your life. How about now?

I was wrong all the while.

Wishes don't come true.

I remember when I was in Swizterland looking over shooting stars, I made a wish,"I hope everything between us will be fine. I hope you will come back to me and we live the life we had. I hope one day you will marry me and we had a lot of kids and live happy ever after."

That was more than one wish. That was 6 wishes. But all of them was about, you.

I haven't been blogging so much because I thought I found someone to talk to everyday and tell my feelings to. But now, all I have is myself. And my dead blog.

I remember the times we had clearly. From that campfire. To ICC. To Chinese New Year 2009. To valentines 2009. To the outings. To the tuition. To your birthday 2009. And happiness and my birthday. Everything seemed perfect for me. I remember you heading my hand, telling me to not ever leave you. But today, you left me.

Haunted.

This song is for you.

It's difficult.

Everyone said that I might just think a little too much.
Everyone is on his side.


I know, I know. No one wants to see us being apart. But it's difficult.
No one will ever know and feel what I'm going through.
No one knows how many litres of tears I cried.
No one gets my point.
No one understands me.


It's really difficult. We always talked about our future. We already decided on the color of our wedding invitation. How many kids we would want. Which wedding dress I would want to wear whenever we passed by Loke Yew road, I would point to you. Just going home from college makes me feel so miserable.


Every road gave me so much memories. It's just too much. Like we would argue on which road to take, purposely stopping awhile during the yellow light so that the car behind us can't pass the traffic light. We laughed so hard at them. Passing the mall makes me realize the times we had in the mall. Where we watch movies and we were freezing to death but you wrap your jacket around me and you yourself felt so cold and fell sick the next day. Also, the times when I stand at the elevator door that has a mirror which makes me skinnier. And I would ask you to take a picture together, so that I could pretend to be thinner and you would laugh at me. 3 years isn't such a short time.


We went through so much but now, things change. Like you said, people change. I wonder if you still kiss me in the picture you pasted on your wardrobe everyday. You said I didn't appreciate you. I felt more than hurt.


I've done so much for you. I planned so many surprises for you just to make you happy but sadly, now after you met her, you're never satisfied with me.


What happened? People ask why? Why am I even thinking about breaking up. Is there no turning back?


Personally, I myself don't know how to answer this question.


The matter is, it isn't only about her. It's also about the difference in opinion between us.


You're indecisive. When I decide, you said I'm controlling you. I never ever wanted to make you choose between you and your mom. Never. I never wanted to make you feel bad but if you couldnt even spare one hour in a week for me. Who are you to call yourself my boyfriend? Not to mention, the duration of calls becomes shorter and shorter everyday. Now we've come to this stage where we don't even talk. But once we talk, we argue. Again, what happened?


I know you have your rights to have other friends. Other girl, friends. I never thought of controlling who you should make friends with and who you shouldn't. I wouldn't mind if you have girl friends, because you never controlled me. But seriously? Spending time with her everyday, have breakfast, have lunch, and almost dinner? Still, I don't mind. But going to her house? That's a little too much dont you think? Yes, people ask me why don't I talk to you nicely and everything. I had. You promised me not to be too close and there I heard another time that you went to her house again.


You ask me what's wrong?
Why not?
Not like you're going to make out or something. You're just going there to do maths. Why? Why can't you think of my feelings? You know I don't like it, why can't you ask another friend?


Fine, if SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DO THE QUESTION IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, why can't you ask her in tuition?


Why can't you ask her to go a little earlier and you go a little earlier to tuition so that she can teach you? Fine, its not convenient. Then why can't you go to a public space, like a coffee shop or a restaurant to do it? FINE, IT'S NOISY. THEN WHY CAN'T YOU DO THE WORK EARLIER AND YOU CAN ASK HER IN SCHOOL SINCE YOU SEE HER EVERYDAY IN SCHOOL. WHY CAN'T YOU ASK HER IN THE CAR WHEN YOU CARPULL WITH HER EVERYDAY. WHY CAN'T YOU ASK HER IN SCHOOL WHEN YOU'RE HAPPILY ENJOYING BREAKFAST WITH HER.


WHY?!


Why?


Why.


AND ALL YOU COULD ANSWER IS, "I thought you wouldn't mind".
And I would say, I'VE TOLD YOU. Even if we're at this stage that we're almost breaking up, Im so worried about you.


Knowing you so well, I know you can't take it. Instead of caring about my feelings, all I was worried about is you. I wanted to check out from your friends but it seems like she's your bestest friend and I would of course not, ask her. So, I did something inappropriate which is to log in your facebook account. Oh my.


Tears can't stop rolling down my cheeks. You seem to be fine talking to her. Got to know that you've been chatting with her for 5 hours since you return from school. Called her. Text her. So, so disappointed.


Apart of telling her all our problems, you actually say things that you would usually say to me. If you don't know what I'm talking about. Go read your conversation with her again. Then maybe you would realize.




Imagine how I feel. Seriously? My heart ache more than anything else in the world. How, how could I continue loving someone who barely cares about my feeling. I know, I really do know you worked hard to save this relationship. You did tried. But not hard enough. I did so much but you still didn't get it. Only until we reached this stage, you try to save your relationship.


Why didn't you do it earlier? It's a little too late. I still love you but baby, this is too much. You even said you didn't feel like my boyfriend. You should know why I avoided you. If you can't even stand me after reading this, think again.


 How are you going to stand being my husband one day.


If you think you spoilt me at the start, I'm sorry. I tried to change. To make everything up to you. I tried to understand you and let you do it your way but I'm sorry, I can't. I can't take this anymore. It's just too much.


It's not any easier for me to go through this because I do. I do still love you. Alot. But I'm sorry. If you want US to continue, you got to earn it yourself. If not, thanks.


Thanks for the memories.

Confessions.

I don’t know why I felt like blogging suddenly. I was just watching a movie and just as soon as I finish watching it, I turned on my laptop and out and started to type out my feelings. I wanted to blog so much but I cant get the internet connection somehow. So I guess I’ll just type it here, in Microsoft word and update my blog later.

We had a fight.

I don’t know why but its just that these days we cant communicate.

Why? I wonder.

I was just staring at space, and started to wonder.  Where did it went wrong? Is it me? Am I not understanding enough. I don’t understand. That’s the problem with people. They will never know who’s wrong first.  I thought I was okay with the fight and all. Happily going through my life like how I used to do it everyday but I realise that im just avoiding the truth.

You know, at times, I just wonder whats wrong with me. If everyone starts to leave me one by one, it must be me. Well, not everyone. Its just people I care about most. Like, my bestfriends.

And,

Others.

You know, I cant really take it anymore. Well, if you’re starting to get annoyed about my rantings, there’s an “X” button at the right top corner of the screen. You are welcomed to press that.

Back to the point,

So, I was just pausing my life and started to think. Just why. And how. Why can relationships (in general) could be so fragile? How, HOW, did it ended up like this. I’ve not been posting on my blog because I finally found someone to talk to. EVERYTHING that happened in my life. But you see, its different now. I cant find someone else to talk to if I had a fight with that particular person. So, who do I have?

I started to regret not treating my really close friends in highschool right. Not like I tortured them or something. Its just that, I was selfish.  I didn’t really care about their feelings. I want it and so I must get it kinda thing. And at that time, I just cared about how I felt.

Regret. Is a very deep word. It means that you wish you can turn back time and change things.

WHICH, is impossible.

So I start treating people very nice, and I started to give them everything they ask for, hoping that history does not repeat. But, sadly, its just not working. I don’t know how to express it. The kind of feeling that you cant express because its just so deep. too deep.

I don’t know where this post is taking me to. It makes me realised so many things. Guessed I wasn’t mature enough to realise it when I was younger.

You know, I really wonder who will attend my funeral if I die one day. Humans. Arent they creatures that hide their true feelings and just keep it to themselves until one day, that person you care for doesn’t exist in this world anymore and they just, regret.

Its been a long time since I feel like suddenly, something just hit something hard on my face. 

Like you got stabbed right on your heart, tearing you apart.

Feeling lost.

Feeling lonely.

Felt like you did not belong to this world.

Feeling different.

If one day my ex-bestfriends or other people who are suppose to see this post, I hope they forgive me for everything I have done. I know Im not a  good friend nor a good person to be with.

People tend to backspace what they really want to type. And then hide what they want to say back into their heart and type out a lie. I say that because that was what I was doing. Because I care what people think about me the moment they read this. But I know the right thing to do isn’t this.

Im currently listening to the song “I wanna make love in this club”. There’s a lot of memories in this song. I remembered I was singing this to my bestfriend and she was just giving me the “ewh” look.. and we would both just laugh about it. Well, now, she’s still my friend. But a distanced one.

I miss highschool. Form 3 and form 4, to be specific. Form 5 is just too much for me to take in. So, I don’t know why I was drifting further apart with people who used to be my bestfriends. I still couldn’t figured it out. But I didn’t have the guts to ask them. Now, whenever I see them, I felt like a stranger to them no matter how much I tried to make conversations with them.

The truth is, I’m devastated about this. I have happy dreams every night whenever I sleep everyday and its about the happiness I’ve been through with my high school bestfriends those days. And when I wake up in the morning, I would just stare at the ceiling. And I would be thinking, it was just a dream.

I tried to move on but it was too difficult for me. I’m listening to “graduation by vitamin C”. I’ve always love that song.

“We will still be friends forever.”

That’s what they sang. The fact that everything will not be the same again really hurts me.

I’ve tried. So hard. To keep things same. But I guess it JUST WONT be the same again. Like, I’ve organised my birthday party, and only 2 of my highschool friends came. Only 2. Out of 50, probably? When all of them said no, I thought they were just joking. I thought they wanted to surprise me. On that day, before the party, I cried so hard. And everytime I get a birthday msg from one of my bestfriends, the smile on my face could last a day. But at the same time, some just didn’t wish me. I was actually quite disappointed. Im not trying to point out anyone or blame anyone here. I know they couldn’t make it. Its not that they don’t want to. Oh well, life.

It can never be perfect.

Wow. I’ve written so much. But you probably wont understand a thing. Its just that I’ve so much problems these days and I wish, I wish that someday, someone would understand me and listen to all my problems. Not just SOME RANDOM PERSON, but probably my bestfriends? I just hope one day they would call up and just say hi or something. Probably, laugh about the past? I don’t know.

Guess I’ll just go with it.

 Well, I’ll stop here.

Till then,

To Joonie,

Since you gave me a little gift hrough the Internet, I figured, i should repay you by writing a short post for you :D
Never thought that you actually miss me!
Thanks, a lot :) im really touched :D
Although we were strangers,
Although we are still strangers,
But I felt like I'm close to you,
Like I talk to you a lot!
Guess jayesslee were the one who brought us to be from acquaintances to friends
I'm actually upset that you would leave,
Not like it would make any difference
But, Japan is like so far! :(
REMEMBER TO GET ME SOUVENIRS WHEN YOURE BACK K? :D
anddddddddd,
Be careful of the radiation!
Do come back to Malaysia and maybe that time we will meet up :)

All the best for you and last but not least,

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