So, tell me, how to hold on?

Tonight, I need to blog.

I haven't been blogging for almost a month just cause I'm really really too busy. I never never thought being in a music college would be so busy. I've been working really really hard just so that I have no time to think about unhappy things.

But things don't go well.. things ALWAYS don't go well.

I just feel like I need to breakdown and cry.

It's like I'm really really tired. I wake up early and go to college and I just study and study and practice and practice and do assignments and do assignments and crashed everytime I lie on my bed. It's like I don't have time at all.

And just when I thought its not that bad just cause I could forget about things I don't want to think so that I won't be emo.

Deep inside I'm already unhappy because there are some things that can't be forgotten just like that. It's like, yes, I can open up to my friends but so what after that? A problem shared IS NOT a problem halved. No matter how much I share, it WON'T be halved.

About you, I can just brush it off my mind by torturing my body to work as hard as I could.

But yesterday, I received a very very bad news.

My grandmother is diagnosed with liver cancer. And she doesn't know it. Now everyday I wake up early to go to college and come back through bad traffic jams then I have to rush to the hospital just to see her. I'm so afraid. That each day passes, means its one day lesser to see her. Although she still looks okay but I know and we all know that her body is slowly deteriorating. She haven't been eating for a few months. Every time I meet her in the hospital, I see this old lady who is so eager to get out of the hospital because she thought what she has is a normal bacteria attack. Every time we give some suggestions, she would say,"aiyo, its okay, i'm probably getting out of the hospital tomorrow."

What she doesn't know is she might spend the rest of her days there.

It's terrible. The feeling is horrible.

It's like, you know she is having high hopes.. and you know that she will.. ..

Actually, I already have to accept the fact that humans live for a period and will leave one day. Of course I know that. But, the feeling.. that you know a person you love so dearly.. is going to leave you. And you know it might be anytime. That feeling, that tells you, that you won't be seeing that person anymore in your life. For the rest of your life.

In breakups, at least you can catch up that person and take a little peek at the their Facebook, and you know when they are healthy and happy, it just makes you happy too.

BUT THIS, I'm very very bad at dealing with changes. Drastic changes. People who leave me. Death, perhaps? It might be too soon to talk about this but you know it will come one day. And you can never avoid it. No one can.

The feeling when I knock on my mother's room door and she opened it while sobbing. It's god damn painful.

My heart felt like it was twisted and burnt.

Like, there's nothing you could do.
Nothing you could say.

Then, how?

All I can do is just cry as well. And then? What's next?