Colours of life.

:: It's okay to not be okay :)

Hello, dearest! :)

I'm suppose to do my assignments. It's due on Wednesday.

 THREE OF THEM :(

I had been really really busy. 

It's one of the reasons why I did not blog as much as I'm SUPPOSE TO :)

And I just felt like, 

keeping things to myself.

Not because I don't wanna share, but because I feel I don't wanna burden my friends.

Namely, all of you who are reading this.

I had been thinking about life recently.

Cause I'm going through alot. And I feel that life is really short.

I want to love and want to be loved.

No, I'm not desperate. 

Maybe, a little.

But what I meant was to my family and friends.

Just to share a little something for you guys who are at overseas and follow my blog :)

This a video of my Friday performance :)

It's my first performance in ICOM.

Honestly, I was disappointed with myself.

To me, it was bad.

Cause when I was playing the keyboard, someone changed to modulation of the keyboard 

and it went out of tune :( I was very sad after the performance but everyone tell me its good.

I don't put the blame on anyone. 

I learnt from my mistakes.

Of course, this doesn't apply only to this but life.

Actually, 

I don't know when it started,

it's like I've gone through SO MUCH,

and I feel like,

I got to appreciate more, whether it's things or people.

And btw, to people who don't know me well, don't you dare say,"'gone through SO MUCH.'

what can you possibly BEEN THROUGH?"

HECK I'VE BEEN THROUGH ALOT.

Okay, I'm like angry for things that hasn't even happen yet. =.=

I have anger issues.

But, I actually lost it long time ago. 

This is, nothing. *smirks*

But, I'm angry at myself most of the time.

It's like,

neverminddddddddd.

I'm just always frustrated with myself.

Like,

nevermindddddddddddddddddddddd.

I just feel like, I'm wearing a mask of happiness.

There's still a knot in my heart.

hmm.

This is going way out of sense. 

I think I need some drugs.

Life.

Bye :)

Ps: SHOUTOUT to Yuen Ping :D 

I know you are stalking me all the time :D 

I can see you through the  map in the dashboard :P

I love you *lessthanthree*

Concertos.

Hello! Just a quick update to tell you guys that I'm ALIVE :)

Firstly, I would like to update about the #ReachOut iM4U concert. I won VIP tickets from Fly.fm. To think of it, I don't even know how I won it. I was in the car, and I heard the radio that they are giving out 5 VIP tickets so I tried my luck and called. AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I GOT THROUGH AND WON IT :D

People keep asking how I win all these things. LIKE I KNOW HOW TO ANSWER YOU GUYS =.= luck, I guess. I mean, my luck in everything else isn't so good huh? Life. Love. Health. Etc. 

But honestly, I would rather have luck on the other things that I mentioned than winning the tickets. Not that I'm boasting that I won the tickets but, ugh, DON'T JUDGE ME. Unless you really know me. And you know what I've been through AND going through. 

Anyway, pichas for #ReachOut concert! We got lost on the way Taylor's Lakeside Campus. I think we took 2 hours instead of 15 minutes drive. ROUND AND ROUND in Kesas Highway. Paid a total of Rm57294083 for the tolls and when we finally reached, 

HEH. John was hesitating whether to park on the VIP lot or not. BUT HE DROVE AWAY AFTER PARKING CAUSE HE WAS AFRAID THAT HIS CAR WILL GET CLAMPED :D HAHA

NO IDEA WHO THIS WAS. The emcee I THINK.

Tonnes of people BUT,

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 VIP ZONEEEE! :D SEE HOW CHILL EVERYONE IS AT THE VIP ZONE? hahaha. Okay, I guess everyone is wondering why is my brother there. Because no one wanted my tickets :'( HAHA. jk. everyone wasnt free so..... OH WELL. He was just there for awhile and went to Starbucks to sit for the entire day with the VIP pass on =.=

I larve her :D

 Tien Soong always looking awkward :P

OMGOMGOMG you know who this is???? :P The girl from UNFOLD :P

Random metal band. Noisy like shit.

Pretty ladies :P HAHAH

  

Goofing around with mah brother's gf :P

Forgive me, I had no earplugs.

Random people going crazy.

:O

 We were going crazy as well :D

K TOWN CLAN, I THINK.

Someone stepped on my Caramel Frappe and I'm pissed :(

  Puffer fish ALERT :P

 Took this when he was busy playing Candy Crush :P

wait, i think THIS is K town clan..................................

 Me: TAKE A PICTURE! :D

John: NO. *fixes hair*

e-diot.

 Tien Soong looking cool while I munch on my waffle! :D

 ***

 So, my cousin from Singapore came back to Malaysia to visit my very sick grandmother. And, so happened, her favourite K-poppers aka 2NE1 was here giving a free concert thanks to Twin Tower@live 2013. So, I accompanied her T.T

We were under the hot sun and under the rain. We were soaking wet and dried up and everything. =.= UGH. I WOULDNT DO THAT FOR SOME STRANGERS. Yes, I don't know 2NE1 except for their,"NEH GAH CHEHHHH CHA LA GAHHHHHH!"

Anyway, these are the photos!

BEFORE THE CONCERT! :D

We were a little crazy in front of my MacBook. HAHA.

 Tsk Tsk, that guy, TOO HANDSOMEEEEEE :3

 OH MAH GODDDD!

 We were crazy.

 So I took my cousin's lens-less glasses and attempted to look like those KAWAII JAPANESE GIRLS.

I VOMITED AFTER TAKING THE PHOTO. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.

I'm sorry if you vomited too. *hands you a paper bag* but my eyes really look damn big SIAAAAA..

This looks better huh? :)

 Waiting under the sun with my cute umbrella :D

 Can you believe that we took this photo under the drizzle, with people pushing us and everything. HAHA..

ugh. the amount of people around us SUFFOCATED ME TILL I ALMOST DIED.

Random photo that wasnt suppose to be here but I dont know why it popped out.

 Weeeeee! I personally like Mizz Nina but.. I hate the fact that she lips sing ALL THE TIME :(

OH AND 2NE1 WAS SO AWESOMEEEEEEE. Especially during the,"NEH GAH CHEH CHA LA GAAAAAHHHH!"

 The sea of humans. This is considered okay. And mind you, we are at the middle. So imagine there's more than this BEHIND ME.. 

Anyways, tata humans :D

Gotta rush my assignment :D

<3 p="" you="">

Thank you.

I woke up feeling like shit. I looked at myself in the mirror and its all puffy and swollen. I can't even open my eyes properly, like seriously. It looked like this ->  -.-

The whole day I just didn't have any mood for anything. I was so tired. Physically and emotionally. Can you imagine, I just fainted while being awake in front of my laptop when I was doing my work in the library.. I was so tired but I can't fall asleep. It's like there's so many people talking in my head at once. Man, it was really torturing.

But I guess most of my friends, namely, you guys who are reading my blog, really gave me strength in your words. I don't expect anything from you guys but as soon as you guys finish reading my posts, some of you approached me and say some things that doesn't actually mean anything to other people, but to me, it is REALLY REALLY MUCH APPRECIATED.

It's like, I feel at least, I have someone's shoulders to rest my head just for a little while.

Don't know how much tears I cried last night but one thing I know is, I'm grateful to have you guys as friends :')

I know, there's nothing I can do. Seeing my mother, losing her appetite and her eyes are just as swollen as mine, all I can do is keep a smile on my face and motivate her as well. Just like what you guys did for me. She really looked so stressed up and she told me if one day, something like this happen to her, she asked me to let her go. I tried to make jokes out of it and she told me after she had a good laugh, she feels much better. I keep telling her about my college and my friends and my funny lecturers, its good to see her feel better. I can't be doing anything so the last thing I can do is to make people around me happy.

I went to visit my grandma right after college, as usual. I finished at 7pm today so by the time I reached the hospital, it was already 8pm.. She looked like she was in great pain. When I went close to her, she was surprised that I came to visit her because she thought it was late and I won't visit her already. I touched her very fragile hands, it's so fragile. I held it, and I just want to hold on to it. Her hands are so delicate and soft. I complimented her and said that I am not as pretty and gorgeous as her because my hands are so rough. She chuckled :) I said alot of things that lifted up the dull atmosphere where patients in the room are fighting for their lives on multiple tubes and blood transfusion. Although.. deep inside, I'm dyingg.. my heart feels like a wet T-shirt being twisted till it's dry.

But when I see everyone smile because of my lame jokes and compliments, I feel much better too.

But anyway, what I want to say is, thank you, everyone who took the effort and time to comfort me :)

And also to my college mates, they are all so nice to make me laugh no matter how tired and upset I am. At this point, I feel like, the world is just going to be a better place if everyone is this nice. There shouldn't be anymore arguments, anger, fights.. Like, just forgive and.. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I guess what I'm trying to say is, every minute you are sad or angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.

My friends are right. It really depends on how you want to face it.

It is difficult. Nobody said it was easy. Nobody.

I'm trying to pull myself together and face this bravely. As much as I am not ready for this, like what my header says, "Life goes on."

Thank you, again, friends.

So, tell me, how to hold on?

Tonight, I need to blog.

I haven't been blogging for almost a month just cause I'm really really too busy. I never never thought being in a music college would be so busy. I've been working really really hard just so that I have no time to think about unhappy things.

But things don't go well.. things ALWAYS don't go well.

I just feel like I need to breakdown and cry.

It's like I'm really really tired. I wake up early and go to college and I just study and study and practice and practice and do assignments and do assignments and crashed everytime I lie on my bed. It's like I don't have time at all.

And just when I thought its not that bad just cause I could forget about things I don't want to think so that I won't be emo.

Deep inside I'm already unhappy because there are some things that can't be forgotten just like that. It's like, yes, I can open up to my friends but so what after that? A problem shared IS NOT a problem halved. No matter how much I share, it WON'T be halved.

About you, I can just brush it off my mind by torturing my body to work as hard as I could.

But yesterday, I received a very very bad news.

My grandmother is diagnosed with liver cancer. And she doesn't know it. Now everyday I wake up early to go to college and come back through bad traffic jams then I have to rush to the hospital just to see her. I'm so afraid. That each day passes, means its one day lesser to see her. Although she still looks okay but I know and we all know that her body is slowly deteriorating. She haven't been eating for a few months. Every time I meet her in the hospital, I see this old lady who is so eager to get out of the hospital because she thought what she has is a normal bacteria attack. Every time we give some suggestions, she would say,"aiyo, its okay, i'm probably getting out of the hospital tomorrow."

What she doesn't know is she might spend the rest of her days there.

It's terrible. The feeling is horrible.

It's like, you know she is having high hopes.. and you know that she will.. ..

Actually, I already have to accept the fact that humans live for a period and will leave one day. Of course I know that. But, the feeling.. that you know a person you love so dearly.. is going to leave you. And you know it might be anytime. That feeling, that tells you, that you won't be seeing that person anymore in your life. For the rest of your life.

In breakups, at least you can catch up that person and take a little peek at the their Facebook, and you know when they are healthy and happy, it just makes you happy too.

BUT THIS, I'm very very bad at dealing with changes. Drastic changes. People who leave me. Death, perhaps? It might be too soon to talk about this but you know it will come one day. And you can never avoid it. No one can.

The feeling when I knock on my mother's room door and she opened it while sobbing. It's god damn painful.

My heart felt like it was twisted and burnt.

Like, there's nothing you could do.
Nothing you could say.

Then, how?

All I can do is just cry as well. And then? What's next?