Don't know why.

The fact that I gotta write this down instead of telling it to the people whom are concerned, is just.. sad.

I was watching the video I made for my bestfriends..

And then I was wondering, where did all these happiness come from?
How did these things happen?
Why?

I didn't make this video because I was interested in making videos. No, its not like that. Making that video was tough for me because every single effort I put in there, was done, with love. And I made that video when I knew everyone was upset about something. It wasn't for someone's birthday or anything. I didn't want to make it a point where I only gift you guys something on your special day. I wanted you girls to know that, I would be there, if you need me. Whenever, wherever. Especially at your worst.

That the background song, wasn't just a background song about some stupid friendship. Every single phrase of the song, reminded me of a special particular memory of us.

And no, I didn't simply take random videos and put it into the song and call it "a video I made for you girls." Every moment I had with you girls, at some point, I know some of us might just forget this and at that split second, one day, everything will change. But memories will last forever.

I don't know how to explain this but it really has a special deep meaning to it to me.

Maybe, just maybe, you would never understand how much you girls actually mean to me.

These past few weeks had been so tough for me, again.

And I can't figure out the reason behind it. I seem to be okay but I know deep down I've been shutting down.

And these few days had been the worst, because I would shut myself from everyone..

I feel like, I don't know how to communicate with my friends anymore. Especially my bestfriends. I don't seem to understand why my good intentions are never seen? I remember someone told me that I must always see the positive side of EVERY SINGLE thing instead of questioning people's decision. And so, I tried.

I never really did ask why for anything anymore.

I just tried to.. not question ANYTHING. But again, its like, I'm never doing something right. And all my good intentions are always mistaken. I don't understand because I did these things because I care.. and that I love these people. But it doesn't really seem that way because they don't feel loved or cared or something. It just made them feel negative. And unhappy whenever I care about something.

I remember saying,"One day when I stop arguing with you people, it means I stopped caring."

Right now, I feel like I speechless how people, especially you girls think of me. The fact that you mistaken these little things made me feel so disappointed. Because its suppose to be "a little thing" and there shouldn't be any misunderstandings because apparently, we are suppose to know each other inside out.

But again, I was wrong.

I came to a point where I'm so tired of saying,"I'm sorry. I didn't think of your feelings. And I shouldn't have done that because I didn't know it would hurt your feelings."

And no, its not because I'm tired of apologizing. It's because it came to a point where I thought....

Hey, Sandra. If you didn't even think of doing this, or even say anything, NONE of this would actually happen. You wouldn't upset anyone nor even have arguments with these people that you really love.

They say,"oh no la.. its not like that.. its just that, the closer you are to someone, the more violated the person feel if you this this and that that....."

I don't know how true is that. And I still don't understand why.


Right now, I'm not angry or pissed at anyone. I feel like I've been so damn stressed lately that my emotional problems are coming in again.

"You gotta stop being so emotional over everything, Sandra."

Does it happen to cross your mind that its not my choice? I've been trying to change so much for everyone to be a better person. And I'm trying so so so hard to be a better person. In this process, I AM losing myself. No doubt. But if its the bad side of me, I don't mind losing. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm taken granted for.

Like,"No, Sandra.. you gotta think from his point.. and her point of view.. and her feelings and his feelings.."

And then.... have you guys ever thought of mine?

To be very very effin honest, it is not easy, AT ALL. For me to go through so many things ESPECIALLY my health problems. From the outside, I still look fine, don't I? I'm disappointed because I've been mistaken as "using my friends" to do things for me because "I'm not capable of taking care of myself."

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

Wait, what? Did I just hear that coming out from my bestfriend's mouth?

So then what am I suppose to feel?

I don't want to even start a conversation with my bestfriends because I'm so afraid to know the truth and that I've came to the point that all these while, maybe, its just me, holding on to things too tightly till these people don't feel uncomfortable.

Then would it be better if I just disappear from your lives?

Call me an extremist.

But think for me too.

I'm trying to heal here. I'm feeling very very lost. And confused.


And the last thing I need to hear from my bestfriends after all I've done for them is,

"Everyone have burdens. You need to learn how to take care of yourself."

Umm. YES, I know.

So that is the exact reason why I'm shutting myself out from everyone.

So that I'm no longer a burden to anyone.

...

Come to think of it,

Maybe this is the exact reason why people actually suicide.


Till then,

It's okay.

This 4 months had been one of the best 4 months of my life because I met you.

You have changed me into a better person but,

in the process,

I think I'm losing you.

It's okay.

I'm afraid,
but if we don't working out,
its okay.

I thank you for all the memories that we've created together.

I'll still love you.
I'll always love you.

But love doesn't mean everything.
And things don't always go the way we want.

I love you for who you are but.. .. sigh.
I try my best to comfort myself.
But if you need me, I'll be here.

..

BUT IT'S OKAY.
It's not anyone's fault.

I'll never blame you for not changing for me
or..
walking away.
You have every right to do it.

It's okay.

And I'll be okay.

"You can do it. One day at a time." 


I just want you to know, that I..

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for what you've taught me.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you for tolerating.

Thank you for loving me.

I love you :)

#lifegoeson

My Superheroes

Because, they mean alot to me. 

Really. 

When days are dark and when I feel all alone and confused about everything in life.

They were there for me. 

Dear girls,

I took few months to complete video. Initially, it was for Heng wei's birthday, and then I was so busy and I took so long that, I was like,"Hmm.. why not i do it just like for the 4 of us?" 

Besides, during the holiday, we missed each other so much. And Heng Wei was so upset because Joel was leaving, Enes was upset because Dan was leaving, and although Phoebe never did say anything, I could feel that she was dying inside because she missed Kai so much. But I knew she was just holding on, trying to be strong. I knew all of you were just holding on, trying to be strong. So, I wanted to make a video for all of you, and tell you that, no matter what you still have us and we can still be happy, even if its just the 4 of us. It took me 2 months to just choose the most suitable song. I first heard the song in Phoebe's car and I told myself. HM. THIS IS IT. 

I wanted to cheer you guys with this video. But, lately, I myself had been so so upset that, when I edit again and again everyday, I begin to realise, that this video means so so much to me. I swear I've watched this video at least 100 times. I would watch everyday, probably 5-6 times a day. And re-edit.. and another 5-6 times. I keep finalising it but never did because I keep finding more suitable clips and photos.

Whenever I'm sad, I would smile while watching this video. These days had been very confusing and tough for me despite my health and everything else. But I'm so glad that I have all of you to lend me a shoulder to cry on all the FREAKING TIME and tell me what I should do when I'm lost. So, basically, its a "thank you" video. Hope you enjoy my 4 months of hardwork. I love you girls I hope when you girls are sad, you would watch this video would put a smile on your face.

Love,

The girl who've always loved you girls back.

Thankful.

So, I've went through another chapter of my life.

This 2 weeks had been a really tough week for me. I was told that I had to go through 2 surgeries at one time. It was tough to take it all in because it was so sudden. I met the doctor on Friday and then he suggested to have the operation on Monday. During the weekend, so many things went through my mind, but I couldn't wait to go through the operation at the same time because it would mean less pain. For the whole weekend, I prepared my mind for the operation.. On that day itself, I was nervous, but I told myself that this is for the best and I shouldn't be scared because I'm in good hands.

Getting wheeled to the operation theatre was the worst, actually. So many thoughts were going through my mind but I could handle it. When I reached the pre-operating bay, I looked to my sides.. On my left, there's this pregnant lady who was about to give birth. She was breathing really heavily.. Well, it was kinda awkward for me. HAHA. On my right, there's this 18 year old boy who injured his patella from playing basketball.

I tried to close my eyes and get some rest before the operation. I think there was 45 mins more of waiting. But the time seems to draggggggg. Finally, it was my turn. Just in a matter of secs, I was forced to breathe some oxygen as they injected general anaesthetic into me.

The next thing I know,

"Mei Teng, wake up.. operation is over, Mei Teng!!"said the nurse.

I woke up feeling really uncomfortable. Pain on the lower half of my body, I felt horrible. Like I needed to go to the toilet but it was just the side effects and the mind games the drugs were playing with.

However, after 2 hours resting at the post-operating bay, I felt much better. And I was surprised that I felt fine. I was like,"Oh. The operation wasn't that bad."

As I was wheeled back to my room, my mom was waiting outside the operating theatre for me. And then she told me,"Sandra, the doctor didn't do anything."

I was like,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE DOCTOR DIDNT DO ANYTHING?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

The operation failed halfway.

Whut?


I was instantly depressed. You mean, I go through so much drama, and then you told me nothing was done?

Or should I say, nothing could be done.

I spent the rest of the day being emo. My mind was a messed.

"So, you're telling me, I need to live with this pain for the rest of my life?"

The question in my mind that was on repeat the whole day after the operation.

But thank God, Waffles was with me the whole day, telling me that everything will be fine. And no matter what my decision is, he would be there to support me no matter what. I felt a little more relieved.

But not entirely.

Because I still needed to make a life-changing decision.

I was left with 2 choices. To cut an organ out.

Or to live with the pain. Forever.

The next few days was tough. But in the end, I realise, I couldn't take the pain anymore. It was horrible. It's affecting me in every single way. My life, is just being a mess with the excruciating pain that I have 3 weeks in a month.

And I chose the first choice. Which I never thought that it was even A CHOICE for ME in the first place.

The next few days were tough. Going through the pain. Being on liquid diet was the worst. Surviving on Milo for 2 days. Too horrible.

But now, its been almost 2 weeks since my operation and I'm glad that today, I went through all those and I'm a happier person.

We'll see how it goes in this long term period.

For now, I'm thankful for my parents, my family, my relatives, and of course, my friends. Each and everyone of them who was there for me when I was at my lowest.

:)

I'm so thankful to have them.

Thankful for everything that has happened 

although it was tough..

but at least it made me a stronger and a better person.

:')

Till then,

Before we say goodbye,

I like to get things straight.

The fact that you don't wanna be with me is because you are afraid that if things get bad between us, we don't have to try that hard to patch things up because we are not tied down with a knot called the relationship.

Because you don't want to drag me down into your sad life. 
And you don't want me to feel your burden.
But you will always be there for me.
But just know that, I will be there for you as well.

I would never want to force you to be in a relationship with me because even if I might not be the reason that you're happy, but i would never want to be the reason that you're sad.

You asked me why am I so honest to you in everything?

I can't bear the thought of making people wonder what I'm thinking. I've kinda went through enough and learnt it the hard way that honesty is really the best policy.

You asked me why do I even like you?

You don't know how much you mean to me and how much you're inspired and motivate me in so many ways. I'll tell you what I like about you.

I like how you love your friends more than you love yourself.
I like how responsible you are in doing your work.
I like how you like to get things done in the most productive way.
I like how you know what are your priorities.
I like how you would be doing something important and looked up just to smile at me when you see me.
I like how you spend time thinking how to make things better for everyone.
I like how you would stop me from whatever I'm doing and give me a tight hug because you know I'm not okay. 
I like how you admit that you will miss me when I leave for US.
I like how you fill the blanks in between my fingers when you know my day wasn't that good.
I like how you fling my hands away once you see a shadow pass because you're afraid that people might notice that you were holding my hands. (because you're cute that way, although its not that cute when you do it all the time =.= )
I like how you don't judge people based on their appearance but taking time to know them instead.

I'll be honest with you and I'll tell you that I've never met a person that had inspired me so much and to remind myself that I have to be grateful for what I have in life because not everyone can live like how I'm living despite the pain I go through.

And you're always there to hold my hand and tell me that it will get better.

I don't need a guy who is rich, who buys me presents to make me happy or a guy who is handsome and take selfies all the time with me or a guy who claims that he can provide me happiness by spending 24 hours a day with me and feeding me with endless amount of food.

I appreciate guys like you, who would spend 5-10 mins just to check if I'm okay no matter how busy you are. 
And who would give me a hug when you know I'm not.
And who would talk to me properly and respect me as a person.
And who would spend time trying to understand me and what I'm going through.
And most importantly, to be honest to me.

But I understand that you would never want to be with me because you think I deserve a better man. Therefore, i would never force you to be in a relationship with me.

Its okay. 

Because I understand that nothing lasts forever. And forever is a lie.
All we have is the time between hello and goodbye.

So, all I want to do right now is to appreciate the time we have and let you know why I like you in the first place,

before we say goodbye one day.

Most of all, I want you to know that I love you for who you are and even if we don't work out,

I'm glad to have you in my life.

Really.

Till then,

Just a thought.

It's been a long time, folks.

So many things had changed over this past 3-4 months.

Some days, I would be so upset over how things have changed 

but on some days, the thought of having you around.. 

somewhere already does cheer me up.

Never thought I would be so inspired and 

motivated by your personality.

Everything about you makes me happy and 

I haven't felt this way in a very very long time :')

Thank you for being part of my life.

Us working out or not is another question 

but all I know is I would never ever want to lose you even as a friend :)

Because you're worth every bit of it.

And I hope you realise one day that you're more precious than you thought you are.

:)

Till then,

Two Zero One Four.

Happy 2014! :D

Wow.

Its 2014. :)

Can't believe how fast time flies.

That day I went for a barbeque party at Sally's house on the 2nd of January 2014. We were so bored that someone asked,"What was the one thing you regret back in high school?"

I was thinking really hard and I thought I had a really awesome time in high school but after awhile, I did thought of a thing that I regret.

I regretted not spending enough time with my high school friends during the last 2 years of my highschool life especially when everyone goes out together and I didnt really join them. But anyway, overall I am satisfied with my high school life. I had lotsa fun, just by reading my blog, I know it was really fun but i sorta regret for not blogging more often in Form 4 and 5.. Especially Form 5.

So fast.

Too fast.

***

I came across this beautiful song.

I can't help but to go back to the past for awhile and reminisce about it while listening to this song.

I have deep thoughts whenever I listen to it.

I remember asking a friend if he would feel intimidated and scared to love a girl who is richer than him.

And he said,"yes."

I was thinking in my head,

Why is he afraid?

It was just a random question I popped up out of nowhere but to think about it.

What if the girl likes him as well but he is afraid just because she is richer. Nobody is perfect, isn't it?

As an example, a girl like me just wants to have someone who loves me for who I am and that's all I'm asking for. I'm not afraid of having a poor guy as my husband. I just hope that he is someone who is independent and not afraid to try.

But life, HAS to be complicated.

Oh well.

I am so ready to take on 2014.

Semester 3 is gonna be real tough and its the toughest, I heard.

But I'm gonna try my best and give it all because I can't give up on who I want to be in the future.

So, future Sandra who is reading this and prolly blogging about how stress you are, make sure you read this to remind yourself your current strength and hope to give your very best in everything so that you can go to Berklee and be SOMEONE USEFUL after using so much of your parent's hard-earned money.

DON'T. EVER.GIVE.UP.

:)

Till then,