Where are the colours?

Hi readers.

My world right now is like this picture right here.

No bright smiles.
No positive quotes.
No colours.

Just black and white.
Just sadness and tears.
And of course, a negative post.

I'm definitely having a life crisis right now. Apart from my health problems, relationship problems and studies pressure, my grandmother biopsy finally came out. And, she is at the fourth stage secondary liver cancer. Its bad, really bad. The cancer spread to every corner of her body. She is filled with tubes and wires around her. She is so thin. She start to talk random nonsense. She can barely recognise me. She's on morphine to relieve her pain. To see her in pain, it hurts me so so so badly.

To know that her clock is ticking so fast, it hurts me so bad.
To know she is leaving, VERY VERY SOON, breaks me down into pieces.
To know we would never ever see her again, we want to save her but we are useless,

That feeling fucking hurts. SO BADLY.

Honestly I dont know how to go through all these. Yes, technically I'm 20. But, my birthday hasn't arrive yet so im actually 19. How am I suppose to.. go through so many things at once at this age?

I don't know how to deal with changes.
I don't know how to deal with death.
I don't know how to deal with lost.

I was once the happiest girl on earth.
Now she's just somewhere else.

And I'm sitting here for hours,
spacing out,
thinking about life.

If life is about letting someone you love go ALL THE TIME,
then I don't wanna live.

Really.

Whether that person you love is dead or alive, if he/she is gone means they are gone.
Honestly, I don't know how long I can hold on.
I don't know how long I can keep that smile on my face anymore.

I just need someone's shoulder to cry on really badly.

LIKE REALLY BADLY.