Silly me.

I had been so emo in the last post.

Referring to the last post, my friends didn't bail out on me.

They surprised me.

And I was really touched that I couldn't bring my face up to look at them.

And I'm so grateful to have them as friends :)

Thank you, minions.

You girls never fail to make me happy all the time :)

Twenty.

So, I'm finally twenty.

And I'm wondering why my laptop is right in front of me and I have the time to write this post on my birthday morning..

I'm starting to hate birthdays.

I always thought its always the happiest day of my life every year.

No.

In fact it makes me sad.

I can't believe its my birthday, and I'm just laying on my bed with my laptop in my pajamas..

Friends? Where are they?

Some prolly thought there would be alot of people celebrating with me.
Some of them not in KL.
Some of them not in Malaysia.
Some of them are really busy.
Some of them feels awkward to meet me if its not a party.
Some of them.. just, couldn't make it last minute.
Some of them.. just.. can never make it anymore for my birthday for the rest of my life.

As I'm typing, I know exactly who am I talking about in every "some" of them.

I was really happy till my friends who were suppose to celebrate with me suddenly pulled out due to unforeseen circumstances . Actually, its expected la..

I guess today is just another day for me to think about life. And what I really want to wish for.

Seems like my wishes never come true before........... since everything I've wished for all my life.. did not come true at all.. Whether its family and relatives' health, my own health, studies, love, friends, happiness and.. period pain?

I just wanted a place to vent out how I feel, then at least in the future, I know I felt at this point. I feel like I'm just gonna tear up but.. I won't let myself cry on my birthday no matter how sad am I...

Anyway,

I got a call from someone last night. Although its the same person, and the same voice. It seems to sound different. A different tone. Never thought our conversation would be like that.. it was a nice one.. but for me, it wasn't a pleasant one. At times, I thought some words are sincere but in the end, to that person, it was a joke.

Well, I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny at all to me.

Instead, it hurts.

To know, that what you thought was sincere and true.. wasn't.

Last year's birthday was a nightmare to me. It was a day where I finally know the truth of everything, and how much it hurts me.

I thought this year would be different.

Seems like, nothing had changed and I'm the one who changed.

When my friend couldn't go out to celebrate with me,

if it was me last time, I would have rage and get angry at her, and not talk to her for months and i will hate her and i get so so mad. I would wanna make her feel bad and stuff like that..

But this time, when i knew about it, I was just like, "oh.. okay.. its okay.. its not your fault. I wanted to stay at home anyway. Perfect :) "

I didn't want her to feel bad.

Maybe, I've became more considerate.

After going through so much, I guess I know how it feels to be hurt and get hurt by words. So, I guess I don't want anyone to get hurt emotionally as well. Especially my friends.

Maybe that's why I'm the only one hurting, all the time.

Nonetheless, I love my friends because they were there whenever I needed them..

Except.. today.


hmm..

Happy 20th Birthday, Sandra Cheah! :)




Till then,

Night blues.

Hello!

I feel like I'm gonna reach my breaking point again soon :D

Thus, hello, blog :)

I think the only thing that I can't overcome is.. myself.

My mind.

I don't know how many times I should tell myself, "It's okay."

I feel like I'm a really selfish person deep down inside. Like, I can't control between how I SHOULD feel and how I'm FEELING.

Sigh.

What am I suppose to do?

Breakdowns.

wow.

Just wow.

All along I thought I was just nervous for exams but today was just.. wow.

I had 3 exams today, traditional harmony, contemporary harmony and private instruction, which is practical.

Can't believe I'm googling how to stop hyperventilation.

I always exaggerate that I hyperventilate when I'm excited or whatever.

But today, I finished my paper and I had 5 minutes to check, and I realised I did one question wrongly, I was so nervous that I just erased everything and I was just blank. I tried filling in notes but my hands were shaking tremendously. I couldn't think. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn't breathe. And when my lecturer collected the paper, I stood up and everything was just spinning.

I walked out of the class and my bestfriends were laughing at me cause I was not walking straight. They thought I was joking and right when I walked out of the class, I almost fell but luckily I was leaning against the wall, i couldn't see properly, my heart was beating so fast and I was about to blackout. I couldn't breathe, I was gasping for air and tears started rolling down my cheeks because I couldn't breathe.

Right when I wanted to fall, my best friend caught me and helped me to sit down. Phoebe helped me to sit on the chair and held my hand, I could hear Phoebe telling me to BREATHE, SANDRA.. BREATHE! Her face was as pale as mine while Heng Wei was looking for my phone. She wanted to call my mom and send me to the hospital.

I remember that moment. It was so scary. So this is how hyperventilation really feels like.

At that moment, I really thought i was going to choke till death or something. I always say I feel like dying and then I realise I was trying really very hard to gasp for air.

It really shocked me that I could actually get panic attacks.

Phew, I gotta get out from this depression and stressed up state as soon as possible.

Many people think I'm just this happy bubbly girl all the time,

:: What you see is not what it seems. 

Humans tend to look at things that are obvious and what they think they should be looking at, which is obviously that human there and that smile. 

Yet, they don't know how difficult it is for a person to walk through that rocky road just to move forward and still keep that smile on the face. 

I'm struggling to be fine. 

Someone, help me through this.

Time Machine.

Guess the title of the post says it all. 

Time Machine.

I need one.

I feel like everything is moving so fast and things are becoming so different.

I haven't blogged in 10 thousand years because I'm so so busy with work and since uni reopened, I barely have enough time to sleep T.T 

I feel like I've grown so much. 

(NOT TALKING ABOUT MY SIZE.)

But my brains.

In the sense that I understand more and more how people and things work.

Like the world keeps changing, and we, humans, keep learning how to adapt to the.. the.. UNPREDICTABLE WORLD.

Anyway, I don't even know what I'm saying.

Sometimes, I'm just upset with life la.

And TODAY IS THE DAY.

(Y)

Just feel like so many things is bugging me.. aiyoo.

Anyways, thank god I have these awesome friends to support me and listen to my rants all the time :D

My piggie. OINK!

Awesome HELP college friends :D

And my minions ^^V

Ciaoz!

Numb.

Sorry for not blogging for so long.

College just started and im just as busy as hell.

Sigh. Things are getting tougher as we grow up, no?

I feel like I need to be even tougher everyday.

It's saddening when my health problems are piling up but I don't even feel anything anymore when doctor tells me things. Like, I'm so used to the doctor telling me that there's something wrong with me.

So used to pain that I don't even feel it anymore.

So.. numb.

Whether its emotionally or physically.

Sometimes I wonder if life must be this difficult to get through. Omg, sorry for such an emo post today. I've been getting along but today is like a breaking point. I have a friend that who needs my help. I feel responsible for some things. Like if I can't even help a friend, how am I suppose to pursue my career as a music therapist to help to emotionally weak ones?

I'm not a professional, but..

I will use all my strength and ability to get this friend through difficult times. No matter how hurt and broken I am, I would never want the people around me to be upset.

But sometimes.. its difficult to answer some questions.

Omg, even I don't even know what I'm talking about. Sigh.

I've been browsing through my blog to find some pictures and its just like a roadtrip to hell/heaven. Depends how you look at things. I don't even know if its a good thing or a bad thing.

I realise I love taking pictures because that's the only thing that will last. Capturing that particular moment where everything was perfect and happy. Cause things and people do change. Very drastically. And the only way to reminiscent about them is through pictures.

Anyway,

Goodnight, people.

Great companies!

I haven't been blogging for awhile cause I was too busy hanging out with my friends and talking behind people's back. HAHAHAHA.

Don't be surprise. THAT is what girls do when they meet up. 

(Y)

I realise I tend to space out and get emo when I have nothing to do. 

That's normal right?

But oh well. TOOTS THAT :D

So yesterday, I went out with my 2 of my best college mates :D 

They followed me to work. Haha. Cause I was on a so called mission and, they tagged along and helped me.

But in the middle of the mission, we saw someone I DIDN'T WANNA SEE.

But these two girls kept forcing me. 

So I sorta ran out of the store the minute I saw THAT FACE.

I didn't understand why I was afraid. It's not like I NEED TO FEEL GUILTY OR WHATSOEVER.

I knew it wouldnt be a good idea to see that face again cause that night, which was last night, my nightmares came back.

ANYWAY, i don't give a damn about some low class liars. Like, you know clearly that I hate people lying to me and stuff like that, but thinking back, why did I get so pissed? 

When there is nothing to do with me.

PMS I guess. 

I remembered how mad I was, I literally wanna kick that face when I heard about it. I had my fist clenched so tight when I heard the news BUT, WHATDEVESSS,

do whatever that makes you happy,

I don't even bother about you anymore.

Cause you didnt even care how I feel AT THE FIRST PLACE.

ANYWAYYY,

back to my outing topics :D

We had Japanese and Meet Fresh! :D my favourite.

And that day, I went out with these girls, just to hang out with them in their uni and just have a little chat because without them, I won't feel what I'm feeling right now, which is being happy :)

Love themmmm SOOOOO MUCH xoxo

Oh, did I mention my fatty bro was back and.. he bought this to congratulate my results :D

He was like, SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE BEFORE I GIVE IT TO YOU.

Haih, lawyers. 

And this is me watching him play Dota 2 cause I was so bored and it just makes me happy to be around him :) I'm glad he came back at the right time. I need some awesome brother like him :)

shhh! dont tell him I said he was awesome or he'll be a puffer fish!

I went out with my colleague, who is more like a elder sister to me. She's awesome and she's a shopaholic. Talking about shopping, 

I think I need to go to rehab for it man.

I seem....................... to finish all my hard-earned money T.T

Hehe! she's pretty, isnt she? :P

Oh and I attended the soft opening for this new music school opened by my piano teacher. It's called EarthTone Music Academy. It's in Lakefield.

We offer so many different courses from piano, strings instruments such as cello, violin etc to woodwind instruments such as clarinet, saxaphone etc :D

i know saxaphone is not a woodwind instrument =.= 

anyway,

Do drop by if you have any enquiries. We would be more than happy to help :D

But for now, bye! :D

Really Random :D

Hello!

I was reading my 2008 posts.

Just cause I don't wanna remind myself about 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012 because it would be stupid to smile at those.. memories.

I wanted to find myself again.

Like me, ME before everything started.

It sounds really weird though.

OH WELL.

IM WEIRD.

#justsaying

and yes, this is a very random post :) and i usually post things up because its too long for me to write in on Facebook or its too personal for the PUBLIC/ FRIENDS THAT ARE NOT REALL FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK to know or question about it.

or thinks that im weird.

:S

Ciao, lovebirds! :D

As memories.

Good.. morning?

Its 1am and I just feel like blogging :)

I came across this song and was instantly addicted to it :) Its so true. Everything in that song. :)

I guess it reminds me of so much memories.

But its okay.

I'm gonna smile through those tears :)

I'm fine.

I realised feelings can't be erased.

So I'm just gonna put it aside. Somewhere deep down in some parts of my heart.

As memories :)

:: Dear God, I don't usually pray all the time but let me wake up with a smile tomorrow :)

Of parties and thank yous :D

Hello :)

So, yesterday i went for Soo's birthday party. 

And there's some stuff I would like to confess :D

THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY GIRL IN THE PARTY.

ahahaha.. its just that, I don't know any of the girls there and.. its like a different gang, hence, 

the girl-less picture here. ahhahahahah 

I had so much fun in the party. 

There were some things that I needed to clear up and I did :)

Most of this guys were helping me in every way AND I REALLY THANK THEM FOR THAT :')

And, this is a picture of us laughing while cutting the cake! Love it!

And the cake :D I baked it, of course. 

Some awesome oreo cheesecake. HEHE!

Oh, and I would just like to thank a few people who helped me through so many things. 

I haven't been smiling so much without these people.

Although the haze is terrible today but there wasn't a second that i wasn't smiling.

Well,... even when I was in the toilet.

TMI! TMI! 

(in case you don't know, it means TOO MUCH INFORMATION) 

ahahhaha..

I'm so glad that my friends had supported me through the hardest times and they did everything just to make me smile again.

SO, instead of asking myself everyday what have I done to go through so much pain and misery,

I will ask myself what have I done to have this bunch of fabulous awesome friends who were by my side whenever I needed them.

you guys have no idea how much I appreciate all of you.

Your pictures might not be here, but i know who you guys are. 

Each and every word of advice or any supportive things you guys said really lifted me :)

And, here, I'm gonna thank a few people in no particular order :)

Phoebe, thank you for always being there for me. To sing me a song just to make me happier. 

to be upset just cause I'm upset.

Thank you so much. I never thought someone would be sad just cause I'm sad.

my cousin :D who is there to ask me to go and die cause i've been torturing myself.

To allow me to stay in her house in Singapore for a week just cause I need some time alone to think about things.

Shereen and Heng Wei :)

Their words means so so much to me that I can't even explain it.

Alisson! :D

Just to lend an ear to me was more than enough!

These terrifically awesome people who supported me and scolded me and pushed me to my limits to be brave and face things. I can't even say how thankful I am to have you guys. Really.

Ah.. these people. :)

They never say much but they would just stand there to let me vent my frustration,

listening to my rants,

getting beaten up by me just cause i'm frustrated.

Yet, they still stand there and give me a wide smile :)

Ginny :D

She slaps reality onto my face all the time.

AND I FRIGGIN ENJOYED HER SLAP.

Amanda oh amanda :)

The advices and stories she tell me.

Those moral lessons she gives me.. 

THANK YOU :)

Chee enn! I didn't cry so you owe me a meal :D

This small little girl can tell you what to do all the time cause she experienced it.

Not a good thing but we all learn from our mistakes :)

And thank you to xiau wei, yuen ping, 9 awesome girls, and all of you who know about what I've BEEN THROUGH. (YES! PAST TENSE FINALLY!)

In supporting me in every way. I swear I would be there for you guys as well. I would never ever turn my back on all of you. The amount of help you guys given me. Too much. Its priceless :)

So, thank you, again.

last but not least,

my pillars of hope and love.

I don't even need to say anything else about them :)

THANK YOU :)

Singapore Trip

So I went Singapore for holidays for one whole week. And, i had a really great time. I just wanted to get off to a different environment. Just wanna chill and relax. And think about my life :)

I've had such a great time there. Here are some photos :)

Went to Orchard Road here :)

So happy that they had Laduree cause it can only be found in Paris and London and that was the first time I had it and since then I miss eating it so much. ;)

Such a pretty logo :)

My favourite are the salted caramel and coconut chocolate marshmallow :)

as you can see how excited am I :PPPP

yums!

I came across this dart thing and .. its really interesting.. hahahah NOT BEING PERVERTED. But its the first time I see such thing. ahhahahah it would be fun, no? AMONG GIRLS. haha

they had the guy one as well.

Outside the train station :)

Random picture.

So adorable :3

It was smurf's birthday, so they had this photo thingy.

SUPER CUTE SMURFS :)

I thought.... it was an Indonesian flag... hahahahhahaXD

SAW US SAW US?! :D

SPOT US!

Tadaaa~

HEYLO FROM UNIQLO! it rhymes..

... ikr. i know its lame.

Saw this in Bugis Street and i was like VHAAAAT?!

Met up with one of my ICOM friend who is no longer studying in ICOM.

HELLO MONSTER! :D

Love poking his eye! wee!

Barbie World!

Feel like singing the Barbie song.

I graduated from Monster's Uni :D

She's my cousin sister in law which I met up there as well :D

She was there for a business trip.

Another random picture of me.

A MORE RANDOM PICTURE. haha.

So we went to my cousin's cousin's apartment and THE POOL THERE IS SO OHHHH-SOME!

They had underwater gym. SUPER COOL KAYS!

Oh, we made sushi to eat in the Adventure Cove. You guys have to go there. Its a 10 times cleaner waterpark than Sunway Lagoon. HAHAHA.

On the way walking back from Sentosa. The lights were just too pretty. Don't you think so?

Scream it out loud, let it all go :)

Had so much learning how to play the ukulele from my cousin's cousin :D

Oh well, the other photos are in Facebook. OH! and check out our Plush Toy Harlem Shake video and I'm Your's cover :D

CLICK THE LINK TO WATCH IM YOUR'S COVER! 

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151716364893659&set=vb.503758658&type=3&theater

and the HARLEM SHAKE VIDEO. ahhahah!

I know we were weird. I'm always weird. =.=

Ciao!