Five.

Yoz.

Princess Peanut is a little upset today.
She's stressed up with work. Well, I don't think she's suppose to be stressed. Cause her friends dont seem stressed up. But the thing with her is, I guess she is drowning herself with work just to get rid of bullshits that she go through every single day.

She's just sort of fed up with life.
The more she meet new people, the more she gets upset on how mean can people be.
Intentionally or not, it just hurts her to see how idiotic can people be.

It's the 7th day out of the 21 days. And I thought i've went through 6 years.

Ignore the previous sentence. I'm trying to stop this habit and according to science, you can start or stop a habit in 21 days.

People tell me that I'm pushing myself too much.
The truth is, the only reason I've been pushing myself so much is because I know if I don't push myself, I'll always end up at the same place. Not like I'm at another point of life now. Still stuck in time.

Oh well. Life.

Quite disappointed with life.

Ps: I'm not some emo freak okay. I do live a life. But deep inside, my thoughts just cant get off my mind and the only way is to type in this text box where people who actually cares about me/busybody reads about it.

Till then.

And it just hits me that I've been through another month. Good job, potato! Just 12 more months and 26 days to go! (just cause it is scientifically proven that you can only forget ur ex after 17months and 26days)

LOL.

1 more year, FML.

Gotta get up and try, try, try.

HELLOOO!

heeee yes, I dip-dyed my hair red :P And im so happeh about it cause everyone says it looks nice on me :D

Anyway, these days, ive met a number of new people. And im so glad I did. People say I amaze them with my inner strength and the immortal smile on my face :)

It makes me happy. 

But I'm not that strong. I break down sometimes. I drag myself to move on. I tend to fall everytime I move on but the people around me helped me through lotsa bad times. I know I cant depend on them all the time. So that's why I'm trying hard to move on myself. 

However, it's always 1 step forward, 2 step back. 2 step forward and 1 step back. I always end up in the same position. It sounds stupid. But at least I'm trying. 

People tell ask me how can I be so noble?
In every sense.

As a future mother, to go through all these pain.
As a lover, to let go someone I love just to make them happy.
As a friend, who rather go through emotional pain and keep quiet.

Simple.
I want the people I love to be happy.

No matter what, it makes me happy to see the people I love happy.
It's worth it.
Really.

I have to accept the fact that life is about not getting the things we want.

To be honest, I do get pissed off with God sometimes. I'm angry on why I should be in physical and mental pain ALL THE TIME. But i guess God is fair. I hope He is. I really hope He is.

I just wanna be truly happy after all these pain.

I guess after so much obstacles, I've learnt alot. On how to appreciate people more. And how to not let history repeat again. I won't. 

Cause I don't wanna get hurt anymore. I've gone through alot of pain. I know how it feels. but anyway, whats life without some downs? 

:)

Till then,

Of potatoes and mushroom.

Sorry I haven't been blogging for so long.

I was in lotsa pain. Stupid health problems I have. Sigh. Sometimes I ask myself is this worth it? Is all these pain worth it to get my own children in the future? Cause because of my stubborn-ness, I've lost quite a number of things.

eg: the person I love.

"no. I won't regret. Because the last thing I said to you was,"Because I'm still in love with you."

Ignore the last sentence i wrote. It was some answer to some question.

Anyway, the decision was made and there's no turning back. There's nothing left I can do other than wishing nothing but the best for you.

Hi, Americans.

Hello, lovely people :)

I've been holding on to really well. Honestly, without my friends, I would be nothing. Really. I appreciate each of them. Thank you so much, people. I'm really surprised that people who are JUST an acquaintance to me actually cared so much about me and prayed for me and all.

I admit that I feel like I'm going through a major life crisis.

But I feel that things are getting better. Prolly a rainbow after a rain?

But, I did not just go through RAIN. I WENT THROUGH A STORM.

I feel like I'm gonna bored you guys if I keep talking about life. Feels like I'm someone who lived a thousand years like Edward Cullen or something. 

I'm just gonna skip the long boring part.

And say that I was really surprised that when I checked my blogger dashboard, my views from United States shot up to 1200 people a week. like ONLY United States. And I was like,"WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE COME FROMMMMMM?"

Hello, people! :D

*waves like a ding dong*

Look at the statistics. What. Just. Happened. on the 10th of April 2013.. my gosh.

Okay, my blog looks so dead on the other days but like, duh, its usually like few hundred people who follows it and suddenly it shot up.

But anyway, I'm busy ranting about life to myself all the time. So.................. I guess I will blog about stuff later.

bye :)

Forever gone.

She's gone.
To be in a better place, I guess.

I love you, popo.
I know how much you suffered.
And Im proud of you.
8th of April 2013 will be a day I would never forget.

I heard from mom that you went in peace.
That's all it matters, popo.
You don't have to wait and suffer in pain.

Eventhough you're gone, I know you will still stay in my heart. T
Those days when you chase after us with a cane because we were so naughty.
Those days we made you mad but you still loved us.
Those days I called you "leng lui" everytime I see you and you smiled and say,"no, you're prettier."
I will never forget these memories I had with you.

You gave us so much love.
You were a good mother.
You were the best grandmother.
I will always miss your cookings.

Even frying an egg could be the most delicious dish ever if you were to cook it.
You told me that when you were young, you were really pretty.
I trust you, popo.
You are still pretty now.

And forever.
I will pray for you.
I hope you're happy cause you are finally reunited with grandpa.

I love you, popo.
And just to let you know, even in my next life, I would still want you as my grandma.

Thank you for everything.
I'm nobody without you.

And I'm glad that I have no regrets because I knew its the time that I spent with you that matters most.
Im glad that I was there for you.

I'm sorry if I wasn't a perfect granddaughter,
but you are the perfect grandmother to me.

You taught me so many things about life.
And I will never never ever forget about it.

Thank you.

Too good to be true.

Hello, beautiful people.

If you're wondering how am I, I'm...... good but not so good.

My grandmother can no longer eat or drink, she's definitely doing well and her clock is ticking very fast.

Yes, if you ask me, yes, I am afraid.

But, 

I guess maybe its also the best for her because she had been too strong for way too long.

Looking at the tubes all over her, and she is traumatised by the doctors putting tubes everywhere, I feel so bad for her.

I don't think I can do anything other than praying that she won't be in pain because I know she is living in hell right now.

I'm sorry, popo.

I can't do anything for you.

But I want you to know I love you very much.

Anyways, what have I been up to?

I had been visiting my grandma, getting busy with loads or work, 

spending time with my family and relatives.

And trying to be healthy.

And.. thinking of.. oh, nevermind.

Had pizza for dinner just cause it was raining and my family is lazy to go out because we all woke up at 6am for the Cheng Beng festival where we need to go to the cemetery and pray for our family members who is no longer on Earth with us.

It would sound weird when I tell you I had a great time just cause its the only time all the relatives gather together and discuss about random things and I don't know, I'm happy to visit my deceased paternal grandparents and my uncle.

I miss them alot.

But i know everyone has to leave this world one day. 

And its gonna be a happy thing if we still keep the happy memories in our hearts and mind.

I mean, that's all it matters if someone leaves us right?

Although I know that........

***

Anyways, I watched THIS movie just now.

It's actually a movie made in 2004. It's too good. I can re-watch it again and again non stop. Although I only watched once so far =.= BUT i fell in love with it. So, if YOU have the time, download it and watch. It so goooooood, I can't even..

But, its too good to be true.

Like, ... nevermind.

Toodles! :]

Where are the colours?

Hi readers.

My world right now is like this picture right here.

No bright smiles.
No positive quotes.
No colours.

Just black and white.
Just sadness and tears.
And of course, a negative post.

I'm definitely having a life crisis right now. Apart from my health problems, relationship problems and studies pressure, my grandmother biopsy finally came out. And, she is at the fourth stage secondary liver cancer. Its bad, really bad. The cancer spread to every corner of her body. She is filled with tubes and wires around her. She is so thin. She start to talk random nonsense. She can barely recognise me. She's on morphine to relieve her pain. To see her in pain, it hurts me so so so badly.

To know that her clock is ticking so fast, it hurts me so bad.
To know she is leaving, VERY VERY SOON, breaks me down into pieces.
To know we would never ever see her again, we want to save her but we are useless,

That feeling fucking hurts. SO BADLY.

Honestly I dont know how to go through all these. Yes, technically I'm 20. But, my birthday hasn't arrive yet so im actually 19. How am I suppose to.. go through so many things at once at this age?

I don't know how to deal with changes.
I don't know how to deal with death.
I don't know how to deal with lost.

I was once the happiest girl on earth.
Now she's just somewhere else.

And I'm sitting here for hours,
spacing out,
thinking about life.

If life is about letting someone you love go ALL THE TIME,
then I don't wanna live.

Really.

Whether that person you love is dead or alive, if he/she is gone means they are gone.
Honestly, I don't know how long I can hold on.
I don't know how long I can keep that smile on my face anymore.

I just need someone's shoulder to cry on really badly.

LIKE REALLY BADLY.

Cycle of Life.

Hello,

It's time for a "philosophical" post again :D

Referring to the title of my post, 

what does cycle of life really mean?

This?

Yeah. I know, its lame.

And ugly.

Although music is an art,

and I've been going for art class my whole life till I was Form 3,

I'm just not talented in drawing.

Heh.

But anyway,

I'm thinking if God really has his plans for everyone.

Sometimes, I really think God is watching and He is fair.

Well, that's what my mom said, at least.

She said, if God gives you something, He will take it something else from you as well.

Just like mah uteruses and kidney.

Feels weird to use plural for uterus and singular for kidney.

HAH. GRAMMAR NAZIS, you can't correct me in THIS :P

ANYWAYS,

I was thinking, life is really about quality and quantity.

This doesn't only apply in food or work.

Actually, I'm not so sure about life.

But I hope God is planning a good flowchart for my life.

Cause I'm not so sure what He's making me go through.

And I'm not so happy about that :(

Anyway, on the other hand, I lost both my ruler and my favourite mechanic pencil. So after 3 weeks, I found it, it wasn't in my room, or bag or whatsoever. It was in a practice room in my uni. And after 3 weeks, I found it. I was kinda upset when I lost because I'm quite particular about my stuff and even the smallest things in the world, if I feel it meant something to me, I will never throw it away. That explains why my room is so messy.

The thing is, when I lost my pencil, I thought it's lost. But after so long, I found it back, and its like, it makes me question myself why did the pencil came to me when I lost hope. Mmm, I'm just weird in my own ways..

And then I lost my ruler, my favourite ruler, and i got upset. And then when I found it, I broke it in the stupidest ways, and then I got upset again :(

But I still keep a piece of it with me. Eventhough it's totally useless to me.

Anyways, I think I'm really weird. In the sense that, I keep too much things in my mind, whether its memories or things, my mind just can't stop talking about memories every single day. And it sorts of kill me knowing that somethings has changed. And I'm the kind of person who can never accept changes. Can, but I'll take the longest time ever and I'll sort of get depressed and not show it.

I talk to my friends, but I think its a burden to let them know since they don't know how to help me.
So that explains, why I'm writing such a long post right now and you readers don't understand a word I say.

But for now, I got to go and finish up my assignments that I need to hand in tomorrow, BYE :)