Short and sweet!

Greetings, lovely ones! :)

This would be short random post of everything.. so.. yeah :P

So, holiday has finally started for me and eerrmmmmmmmmm I'm broke even before going for holiday shopping :( I HAVE A GOOOD REASON........

Not really a good reason, huh? :/ It was the warehouse sale. And I don't even dare to say how much I spent :( It WAS A BOMB though :( SOBS.. 

BUT OH WELL, what's the point of saving "entertainment" money when you don't have a boyfriend?

FML.

#foreveralone.

I took this photo last night and I captioned it,

"You would never realise how beautiful things around you are until you're left all alone."

It's true. 

I know.

Because I've experienced it :)

People tell me how lucky I am all the time.

They don't know what I'm going through behind that big smile of mine :)

So, last weekend I went to support one of the biggest events for band competitions and of course, our band won and they won RM44,000. :O SO SO PROUD OF THEM. 

Oh, and these are my lovely and hot friends from ICOM :D

 Last but not least, with this picture, I conclude the last day of my semester and I've worked really really hard for this semester. And I HOPE that it will be worth it. Drowning myself with work just to shift my mind off from something else. It was never easy. IT IS not easy.

But, I'm trying. I'm holding on. I'm pushing myself through.

And I'm hoping whatever I'm doing, whatever pain I'm going through, all the tears I cried, WILL be worth it.


Ciao for now! :)

Hoh-ribble!

Ello, people, its super late now, but I'm sorta sick of studying, so i just wanted to take some time off to blog :)

So, my life is so happening right now, BUT, not in a good way because I've been so busy that I think I'm ignoring my health again and as usual, my mom starts to nag nag nag AND NAG at me about my one and only kidney and stuff like that.

Sometimes, I wish I could just die earlier or something, then I won't burden other people. I've trying to live really positively. Although every night is still miserable for me. And I still do have nightmares. But oh well, hopefully nightmares remains as nightmares.

So, today i had Performance Lab exam where we are graded as a band and stuff like that. We totally SCREWED IT UP. like TOTALLY. Sigh.

Responsibilities. Practices. Teamwork.

3 things that our band is lack of.

But, nonetheless, I'm glad its over. Here's a picture of it! :D

Also, my hands were trembling during the performance D: And all I was thinking of is someone's voice saying that "Don't be afraid. Just do your best. I know you can do it. Do it for me. Just think of me."

YES YES. It's my own imagination.

Well, hopefully I don't fail this shit man. I want to move on as soon as possible. I don't want to repeat any semester not because I'm embarrassed or whatsoever. Just cause I can't wait to leave Malaysia although i know I will miss everything and everyone. BUT, I just can't wait for a change in my life Cause its such a mess right now. My health too :( it happens. all the time whenever I'm stressed up. uteri hurts, backbone hurts etc. I need to do some relaxing thing shit man.

My body and mind is too fatigue.

So yeah, enough of ranting and back to studying because I'm having some stupid exam tomorrow AND, Monday will be the last exam for my piano performance. Ugh.

Screw this shit.

Ciao!

Spongebobbie!

Good morning, depressing people :D

PS: I was referring to myself.

Anywaysssss, this is weird cause I'm addicted to my own song D:

BUT ANYWAY, I'm gonna have exam starting next week till the following week. IM FREAKING OUT D: like FREAKING OUT. Most of my friends are struggling to not repeat the semester. becase its so damn tough. I'm just gonna convince myself semester 1 would be nice to me.

They changed the syllabus starting this sem it is as hard as a rock. None of the seniors even believe what we're doing. Even the lecturers felt pity for us BUT the faculty is not going to do anything because they wanna PUSH us. Like, not this way! You almost killed us. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

I think I almost died in the process. Anyway, ... how many anyways I'm gonna say.. -..-

ANYWAY, I've been having some nightmares these days, and nightmares means something I don't wanna dream about. More like recalling memories. But I'm glad its getting more insignificant. But how is it insignificant when I remember it.....?

OKAY FINE, ITS STILL SIGNIFICANT. sheesh.

I'm starting to crap again. Anyways, I'm suppose to go to school at 11 something and its now 9.45am. My damn iPad 2 is in the service centre again cause of the friggin home button and it seems like they don't wanna give me a new one because its dented AGAIN. sigh.

...

Anyway, today is Teacher's Day. And I received this from my kids :D

It's too a-doooorable. But, at the same time, it reminds me of so much memories. Again. I was so excited while opening it and then when I saw Spongebob. Like a tsunami of memories hit me. Is all these fated? Cause I know the kids have a bag of presents and just give out randomly to teachers and my colleague got the pink panther one while i got the spongebob one.

Like of all things, Spongebob.

Too much memories :'(

Is everything around me reminds me of that person or.... is it just me reminding myself?

Sandra... Sandra. I don't even know how to help you anymore. Nevertheless, I'm trying to rant as little as possible about life HERE. So I guess I'm going back to mah sort-of-private blog to rant more!

D:

Yes, I know I'm such a pathetic person.


Ciao ciao! xoxo

Pocket Of Pain

Just submitted my assignments today.

Jealous friends are jealous :P

Anyway, I'm quite addicted with my own song. Well, one of the reason I like it so much is because its about how i feel and like duhhh, I composed it and I'm the one who created the lyrics as well.

It's a really heartbroken song though :/

Its every single thing I feel. Hmm. There was so many things that were going through my mind when I composed the song and lyrics. It was really torturing though. Because to write a good song, you have to indulge yourself into the particular emotion. And mine was a sad song, so i gotta torture my heart and mind for a little bit.

Hopefully that mental torture is worth some marks for me to ace my subject D: This damn degree is damn tough :(

BUT, anyways, back to the song.......

I guess I need to mend some things before posting it on Youtube or something. Its the first song that i actually finished with all the instruments.

The title of the song is "Pocket Of Pain."

Thank God I've finished my assignments. Next week's exam though D: But oh well. Just hold on for another week or two! At least I can sleep soundly tonight after sleeping at 4am everyday :(

Nights people! :)

Aloha!

Aloha.

I'm barely breathing with my assignments making me going cray cray :S

My backbone starts to hurt again. Whenever I have stress, my slipped discs wouldnt give me any mercy :'(

I need to listen to more happy songs. I realised I'm so in love with Charice the awesome singer because her voice is so so so powerful and her songs are just so touchy :X and she sings every word out of my mind.

But anyway,

Apart from dying, I'm also fainting. I can't wait for my June holidays. Can't wait to finish my assignments and exams, and recitals that I'm gonna have. Can't wait.

I just wanna lay in my bed everyday and think about happy things.

When I'm stressed up I tend to think stupid unhappy things and remind myself how much I'm hurting :(

And,

it sucks.

D:

Can't wait for my awesome friends from all over the world to come back and meet up with me to give me a big bear hug. And hang out with them. And do all the fun stuff instead of sulking like crap like what I'm doing here D: now.....

I should stop hating myself.

BUT, ugh, I don't know how. My life is such a mess. I should learn how to be more organized :S

Neways, just a piece of advice, to people who are reading.

Never ever fall too deep for a guy even though you love him. Alot.

Cause in the end, you're the one who's gonna be hurting when they are happily somewhere else with someone else D: Only love one person with all your heart. Nope, not your boyfriend or some guy.

He must be your husband.

Cause boyfriends, haha, you'll never know, they can tell you that you're the love of their life and then the next second, they can tell you they have no feelings for you anymore.

Hmm.. If only I knew that this could hurt so much..

But in the end, life still has to go on.

AND, that's what I'm doing. I THINK.

BYE! :D

Some things are just not meant to be.

Hey, people :)

Sorry cause I haven't been blogging BLOGGING cause I was..busy blogging in another blog. haha.

Anyway...............

These days I'm so so so stressed up but luckily, the presence of mah cousin from Germany made me feel better. I haven't been seeing him for 10 friggin years. Can't believe we are all grown up. But I'm glad there was no awkwardness between us (allofus[family] and him).

And yes, he is half German :D

So yesterday night I had a talk with him. 

It was about relationships.

He told me he just broke up like end of last year. And he told me he was in a relationship for 7 years.

That surprised me alot. I was like,"wow. 7 years."

And I thought almost 4 years was long.....

But anyway, of course, me being me, I asked why and he said that they had lived together for 2 years but things just wasn't working out because she was abit nuts about everything like not letting him watch football and all those little things that he can't stand when he thought he can.

I asked him if he still love her.

And he said,"I used to. But now, no."

And I was curious on how can you not love someone after loving them for so many years and suddenly that person who is there for you all the time isn't there anymore. 

He told me,"yeah. it's difficult. But I was thinking if I can't stand for 7 years, how am I suppose to stand for a lifetime?"

"eventhough you loved her?"

"yeah. Some things are just not meant to be."

That just made me think.

***

So as I was saying in my last post about the song I'm composing.

I couldnt stand cause my brain was bursting and so i went to watch this movie on Youtube called

"If Only."

It's a sad movie about how this guy only know how to appreciate the girl after she died and then he was given another chance to redo things all over again. And he sacrificed his life for her in the end.

But the thing about life,

You can't redo things.

You can never go back in time.

That's why we are always told to appreciate things or people you have.

Hmm. Can't believe in such busy times like now when I'm suppose to hand in 3 major projects next week, I'm actually blogging :/

Sigh. 

My head hurts :(

My heart hurts even more.

Disaster.

I need to compose this song for my assignment.

And I did.

I had all the music and arrangement and melody and all those shit.

Now, I'm just lack of lyrics for the sad love song.

The thing is, I'm suppose to put ALL my emotions into a song. But I'm literally breaking down just to THINK of it. I'm suppose to compose a song about memories and loss and letting go.

Like, I just wanna fail this subject/assignment. My heart is TOO shattered that I can't even decide on which micropiece of my heart I should sing about.

I'm SO SO SO frustrated at myself. I just wanna go crazy and mess things up.

Music,

such a disaster.

And damn, the last post wasn't published when i published it. wtf. Just realised.

Can't go on.

Hi, people.

I realised I'm a changed person.

Not that I want to.

I'm sorta forced to learn things the hard way.

This.. is who I used to be.

But,

This, is who I am now.

Okaay, it sounds terribly stupid because I took both of that photos at the same time =.= but what I'm trying to say is, I don't smile as often as I do. And as you can see, my smiles are not genuine anymore..

Recently, I've became quite a bitch to some people. And I've became like, a quieter person in person, I think. I don't know about being quiet but I'm definitely a less happy girl than ever before.

Maybe those betrayals, and hurt shaped me into this miserable person.

Because I'm too naive. And I always trust people with my whole heart. In everything, in fact. And then it really slams me when I know that they were lying or something.

And no, I'm not just talking about ONE person. Just, people I meet and stuff like that.

Honestly speaking, I hate myself. I really do.

I start to put so many defences up for myself that I'm slowly learning not to trust anyone. And its such a difficult thing for me to do and it hurts me even more when I know people who care about me feel hurt when I don't trust them or anything.

I've became this weird girl.
I've became a stranger to myself.

I had this friend who asked me if I was close to guy friends just because I'm lack of affection or something. And I was really surprised that someone would even think of me that way. Didn't know that being someone genuine to everyone including guys will make people of think of me that way. Honestly, I never thought about new relationships since the last time I had one.

I'm so sorry for myself that I had to learn things the hard way. Its such a big impact on me. Those crazy  health issues that affects my life in every single way and deaths of loved ones and maximum stress from studies and not forgetting the worst one, my past relationship.

And I'm so sorry to people who cared about me and loved me for who I am, namely people who cared to check this blog. I'm sorry that you might think that I don't trust you or something. But,

:'(

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't even know myself.

It's like I'm never ever gonna be the same girl I used to be anymore.

Is this called, a part of growing up?

Damn, growing up is so difficult.

THAT explains why I enjoy growing horizontally more.

It makes me happier. And not miserable, like now.

hah. Joking. So.Funny, Sandra. Neways, whatever it is.

Life goes on?

BUT I EFFIN DON'T WANNA GO ON.


I can't.

I'm amazed at myself on how I can take all these 10 tonne problems and keep holding on like nothing had happened. Yeah right. Like, nothing happened. Well, only during the day.

Who ever knows how much I suffered or still suffering till today?
Who ever knows how much pain I'm going through everyday?

Mentally and physically.

Don't ever be surprised if you get to know that I suicide or something.

Love ya'll. Ciao.