Hoh-ribble!

Ello, people, its super late now, but I'm sorta sick of studying, so i just wanted to take some time off to blog :)

So, my life is so happening right now, BUT, not in a good way because I've been so busy that I think I'm ignoring my health again and as usual, my mom starts to nag nag nag AND NAG at me about my one and only kidney and stuff like that.

Sometimes, I wish I could just die earlier or something, then I won't burden other people. I've trying to live really positively. Although every night is still miserable for me. And I still do have nightmares. But oh well, hopefully nightmares remains as nightmares.

So, today i had Performance Lab exam where we are graded as a band and stuff like that. We totally SCREWED IT UP. like TOTALLY. Sigh.

Responsibilities. Practices. Teamwork.

3 things that our band is lack of.

But, nonetheless, I'm glad its over. Here's a picture of it! :D

Also, my hands were trembling during the performance D: And all I was thinking of is someone's voice saying that "Don't be afraid. Just do your best. I know you can do it. Do it for me. Just think of me."

YES YES. It's my own imagination.

Well, hopefully I don't fail this shit man. I want to move on as soon as possible. I don't want to repeat any semester not because I'm embarrassed or whatsoever. Just cause I can't wait to leave Malaysia although i know I will miss everything and everyone. BUT, I just can't wait for a change in my life Cause its such a mess right now. My health too :( it happens. all the time whenever I'm stressed up. uteri hurts, backbone hurts etc. I need to do some relaxing thing shit man.

My body and mind is too fatigue.

So yeah, enough of ranting and back to studying because I'm having some stupid exam tomorrow AND, Monday will be the last exam for my piano performance. Ugh.

Screw this shit.

Ciao!

Spongebobbie!

Good morning, depressing people :D

PS: I was referring to myself.

Anywaysssss, this is weird cause I'm addicted to my own song D:

BUT ANYWAY, I'm gonna have exam starting next week till the following week. IM FREAKING OUT D: like FREAKING OUT. Most of my friends are struggling to not repeat the semester. becase its so damn tough. I'm just gonna convince myself semester 1 would be nice to me.

They changed the syllabus starting this sem it is as hard as a rock. None of the seniors even believe what we're doing. Even the lecturers felt pity for us BUT the faculty is not going to do anything because they wanna PUSH us. Like, not this way! You almost killed us. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

I think I almost died in the process. Anyway, ... how many anyways I'm gonna say.. -..-

ANYWAY, I've been having some nightmares these days, and nightmares means something I don't wanna dream about. More like recalling memories. But I'm glad its getting more insignificant. But how is it insignificant when I remember it.....?

OKAY FINE, ITS STILL SIGNIFICANT. sheesh.

I'm starting to crap again. Anyways, I'm suppose to go to school at 11 something and its now 9.45am. My damn iPad 2 is in the service centre again cause of the friggin home button and it seems like they don't wanna give me a new one because its dented AGAIN. sigh.

...

Anyway, today is Teacher's Day. And I received this from my kids :D

It's too a-doooorable. But, at the same time, it reminds me of so much memories. Again. I was so excited while opening it and then when I saw Spongebob. Like a tsunami of memories hit me. Is all these fated? Cause I know the kids have a bag of presents and just give out randomly to teachers and my colleague got the pink panther one while i got the spongebob one.

Like of all things, Spongebob.

Too much memories :'(

Is everything around me reminds me of that person or.... is it just me reminding myself?

Sandra... Sandra. I don't even know how to help you anymore. Nevertheless, I'm trying to rant as little as possible about life HERE. So I guess I'm going back to mah sort-of-private blog to rant more!

D:

Yes, I know I'm such a pathetic person.


Ciao ciao! xoxo

Pocket Of Pain

Just submitted my assignments today.

Jealous friends are jealous :P

Anyway, I'm quite addicted with my own song. Well, one of the reason I like it so much is because its about how i feel and like duhhh, I composed it and I'm the one who created the lyrics as well.

It's a really heartbroken song though :/

Its every single thing I feel. Hmm. There was so many things that were going through my mind when I composed the song and lyrics. It was really torturing though. Because to write a good song, you have to indulge yourself into the particular emotion. And mine was a sad song, so i gotta torture my heart and mind for a little bit.

Hopefully that mental torture is worth some marks for me to ace my subject D: This damn degree is damn tough :(

BUT, anyways, back to the song.......

I guess I need to mend some things before posting it on Youtube or something. Its the first song that i actually finished with all the instruments.

The title of the song is "Pocket Of Pain."

Thank God I've finished my assignments. Next week's exam though D: But oh well. Just hold on for another week or two! At least I can sleep soundly tonight after sleeping at 4am everyday :(

Nights people! :)

Aloha!

Aloha.

I'm barely breathing with my assignments making me going cray cray :S

My backbone starts to hurt again. Whenever I have stress, my slipped discs wouldnt give me any mercy :'(

I need to listen to more happy songs. I realised I'm so in love with Charice the awesome singer because her voice is so so so powerful and her songs are just so touchy :X and she sings every word out of my mind.

But anyway,

Apart from dying, I'm also fainting. I can't wait for my June holidays. Can't wait to finish my assignments and exams, and recitals that I'm gonna have. Can't wait.

I just wanna lay in my bed everyday and think about happy things.

When I'm stressed up I tend to think stupid unhappy things and remind myself how much I'm hurting :(

And,

it sucks.

D:

Can't wait for my awesome friends from all over the world to come back and meet up with me to give me a big bear hug. And hang out with them. And do all the fun stuff instead of sulking like crap like what I'm doing here D: now.....

I should stop hating myself.

BUT, ugh, I don't know how. My life is such a mess. I should learn how to be more organized :S

Neways, just a piece of advice, to people who are reading.

Never ever fall too deep for a guy even though you love him. Alot.

Cause in the end, you're the one who's gonna be hurting when they are happily somewhere else with someone else D: Only love one person with all your heart. Nope, not your boyfriend or some guy.

He must be your husband.

Cause boyfriends, haha, you'll never know, they can tell you that you're the love of their life and then the next second, they can tell you they have no feelings for you anymore.

Hmm.. If only I knew that this could hurt so much..

But in the end, life still has to go on.

AND, that's what I'm doing. I THINK.

BYE! :D

Some things are just not meant to be.

Hey, people :)

Sorry cause I haven't been blogging BLOGGING cause I was..busy blogging in another blog. haha.

Anyway...............

These days I'm so so so stressed up but luckily, the presence of mah cousin from Germany made me feel better. I haven't been seeing him for 10 friggin years. Can't believe we are all grown up. But I'm glad there was no awkwardness between us (allofus[family] and him).

And yes, he is half German :D

So yesterday night I had a talk with him. 

It was about relationships.

He told me he just broke up like end of last year. And he told me he was in a relationship for 7 years.

That surprised me alot. I was like,"wow. 7 years."

And I thought almost 4 years was long.....

But anyway, of course, me being me, I asked why and he said that they had lived together for 2 years but things just wasn't working out because she was abit nuts about everything like not letting him watch football and all those little things that he can't stand when he thought he can.

I asked him if he still love her.

And he said,"I used to. But now, no."

And I was curious on how can you not love someone after loving them for so many years and suddenly that person who is there for you all the time isn't there anymore. 

He told me,"yeah. it's difficult. But I was thinking if I can't stand for 7 years, how am I suppose to stand for a lifetime?"

"eventhough you loved her?"

"yeah. Some things are just not meant to be."

That just made me think.

***

So as I was saying in my last post about the song I'm composing.

I couldnt stand cause my brain was bursting and so i went to watch this movie on Youtube called

"If Only."

It's a sad movie about how this guy only know how to appreciate the girl after she died and then he was given another chance to redo things all over again. And he sacrificed his life for her in the end.

But the thing about life,

You can't redo things.

You can never go back in time.

That's why we are always told to appreciate things or people you have.

Hmm. Can't believe in such busy times like now when I'm suppose to hand in 3 major projects next week, I'm actually blogging :/

Sigh. 

My head hurts :(

My heart hurts even more.

Disaster.

I need to compose this song for my assignment.

And I did.

I had all the music and arrangement and melody and all those shit.

Now, I'm just lack of lyrics for the sad love song.

The thing is, I'm suppose to put ALL my emotions into a song. But I'm literally breaking down just to THINK of it. I'm suppose to compose a song about memories and loss and letting go.

Like, I just wanna fail this subject/assignment. My heart is TOO shattered that I can't even decide on which micropiece of my heart I should sing about.

I'm SO SO SO frustrated at myself. I just wanna go crazy and mess things up.

Music,

such a disaster.

And damn, the last post wasn't published when i published it. wtf. Just realised.

Can't go on.

Hi, people.

I realised I'm a changed person.

Not that I want to.

I'm sorta forced to learn things the hard way.

This.. is who I used to be.

But,

This, is who I am now.

Okaay, it sounds terribly stupid because I took both of that photos at the same time =.= but what I'm trying to say is, I don't smile as often as I do. And as you can see, my smiles are not genuine anymore..

Recently, I've became quite a bitch to some people. And I've became like, a quieter person in person, I think. I don't know about being quiet but I'm definitely a less happy girl than ever before.

Maybe those betrayals, and hurt shaped me into this miserable person.

Because I'm too naive. And I always trust people with my whole heart. In everything, in fact. And then it really slams me when I know that they were lying or something.

And no, I'm not just talking about ONE person. Just, people I meet and stuff like that.

Honestly speaking, I hate myself. I really do.

I start to put so many defences up for myself that I'm slowly learning not to trust anyone. And its such a difficult thing for me to do and it hurts me even more when I know people who care about me feel hurt when I don't trust them or anything.

I've became this weird girl.
I've became a stranger to myself.

I had this friend who asked me if I was close to guy friends just because I'm lack of affection or something. And I was really surprised that someone would even think of me that way. Didn't know that being someone genuine to everyone including guys will make people of think of me that way. Honestly, I never thought about new relationships since the last time I had one.

I'm so sorry for myself that I had to learn things the hard way. Its such a big impact on me. Those crazy  health issues that affects my life in every single way and deaths of loved ones and maximum stress from studies and not forgetting the worst one, my past relationship.

And I'm so sorry to people who cared about me and loved me for who I am, namely people who cared to check this blog. I'm sorry that you might think that I don't trust you or something. But,

:'(

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't even know myself.

It's like I'm never ever gonna be the same girl I used to be anymore.

Is this called, a part of growing up?

Damn, growing up is so difficult.

THAT explains why I enjoy growing horizontally more.

It makes me happier. And not miserable, like now.

hah. Joking. So.Funny, Sandra. Neways, whatever it is.

Life goes on?

BUT I EFFIN DON'T WANNA GO ON.


I can't.

I'm amazed at myself on how I can take all these 10 tonne problems and keep holding on like nothing had happened. Yeah right. Like, nothing happened. Well, only during the day.

Who ever knows how much I suffered or still suffering till today?
Who ever knows how much pain I'm going through everyday?

Mentally and physically.

Don't ever be surprised if you get to know that I suicide or something.

Love ya'll. Ciao.

Five.

Yoz.

Princess Peanut is a little upset today.
She's stressed up with work. Well, I don't think she's suppose to be stressed. Cause her friends dont seem stressed up. But the thing with her is, I guess she is drowning herself with work just to get rid of bullshits that she go through every single day.

She's just sort of fed up with life.
The more she meet new people, the more she gets upset on how mean can people be.
Intentionally or not, it just hurts her to see how idiotic can people be.

It's the 7th day out of the 21 days. And I thought i've went through 6 years.

Ignore the previous sentence. I'm trying to stop this habit and according to science, you can start or stop a habit in 21 days.

People tell me that I'm pushing myself too much.
The truth is, the only reason I've been pushing myself so much is because I know if I don't push myself, I'll always end up at the same place. Not like I'm at another point of life now. Still stuck in time.

Oh well. Life.

Quite disappointed with life.

Ps: I'm not some emo freak okay. I do live a life. But deep inside, my thoughts just cant get off my mind and the only way is to type in this text box where people who actually cares about me/busybody reads about it.

Till then.

And it just hits me that I've been through another month. Good job, potato! Just 12 more months and 26 days to go! (just cause it is scientifically proven that you can only forget ur ex after 17months and 26days)

LOL.

1 more year, FML.

Gotta get up and try, try, try.

HELLOOO!

heeee yes, I dip-dyed my hair red :P And im so happeh about it cause everyone says it looks nice on me :D

Anyway, these days, ive met a number of new people. And im so glad I did. People say I amaze them with my inner strength and the immortal smile on my face :)

It makes me happy. 

But I'm not that strong. I break down sometimes. I drag myself to move on. I tend to fall everytime I move on but the people around me helped me through lotsa bad times. I know I cant depend on them all the time. So that's why I'm trying hard to move on myself. 

However, it's always 1 step forward, 2 step back. 2 step forward and 1 step back. I always end up in the same position. It sounds stupid. But at least I'm trying. 

People tell ask me how can I be so noble?
In every sense.

As a future mother, to go through all these pain.
As a lover, to let go someone I love just to make them happy.
As a friend, who rather go through emotional pain and keep quiet.

Simple.
I want the people I love to be happy.

No matter what, it makes me happy to see the people I love happy.
It's worth it.
Really.

I have to accept the fact that life is about not getting the things we want.

To be honest, I do get pissed off with God sometimes. I'm angry on why I should be in physical and mental pain ALL THE TIME. But i guess God is fair. I hope He is. I really hope He is.

I just wanna be truly happy after all these pain.

I guess after so much obstacles, I've learnt alot. On how to appreciate people more. And how to not let history repeat again. I won't. 

Cause I don't wanna get hurt anymore. I've gone through alot of pain. I know how it feels. but anyway, whats life without some downs? 

:)

Till then,

Of potatoes and mushroom.

Sorry I haven't been blogging for so long.

I was in lotsa pain. Stupid health problems I have. Sigh. Sometimes I ask myself is this worth it? Is all these pain worth it to get my own children in the future? Cause because of my stubborn-ness, I've lost quite a number of things.

eg: the person I love.

"no. I won't regret. Because the last thing I said to you was,"Because I'm still in love with you."

Ignore the last sentence i wrote. It was some answer to some question.

Anyway, the decision was made and there's no turning back. There's nothing left I can do other than wishing nothing but the best for you.

Hi, Americans.

Hello, lovely people :)

I've been holding on to really well. Honestly, without my friends, I would be nothing. Really. I appreciate each of them. Thank you so much, people. I'm really surprised that people who are JUST an acquaintance to me actually cared so much about me and prayed for me and all.

I admit that I feel like I'm going through a major life crisis.

But I feel that things are getting better. Prolly a rainbow after a rain?

But, I did not just go through RAIN. I WENT THROUGH A STORM.

I feel like I'm gonna bored you guys if I keep talking about life. Feels like I'm someone who lived a thousand years like Edward Cullen or something. 

I'm just gonna skip the long boring part.

And say that I was really surprised that when I checked my blogger dashboard, my views from United States shot up to 1200 people a week. like ONLY United States. And I was like,"WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE COME FROMMMMMM?"

Hello, people! :D

*waves like a ding dong*

Look at the statistics. What. Just. Happened. on the 10th of April 2013.. my gosh.

Okay, my blog looks so dead on the other days but like, duh, its usually like few hundred people who follows it and suddenly it shot up.

But anyway, I'm busy ranting about life to myself all the time. So.................. I guess I will blog about stuff later.

bye :)

Forever gone.

She's gone.
To be in a better place, I guess.

I love you, popo.
I know how much you suffered.
And Im proud of you.
8th of April 2013 will be a day I would never forget.

I heard from mom that you went in peace.
That's all it matters, popo.
You don't have to wait and suffer in pain.

Eventhough you're gone, I know you will still stay in my heart. T
Those days when you chase after us with a cane because we were so naughty.
Those days we made you mad but you still loved us.
Those days I called you "leng lui" everytime I see you and you smiled and say,"no, you're prettier."
I will never forget these memories I had with you.

You gave us so much love.
You were a good mother.
You were the best grandmother.
I will always miss your cookings.

Even frying an egg could be the most delicious dish ever if you were to cook it.
You told me that when you were young, you were really pretty.
I trust you, popo.
You are still pretty now.

And forever.
I will pray for you.
I hope you're happy cause you are finally reunited with grandpa.

I love you, popo.
And just to let you know, even in my next life, I would still want you as my grandma.

Thank you for everything.
I'm nobody without you.

And I'm glad that I have no regrets because I knew its the time that I spent with you that matters most.
Im glad that I was there for you.

I'm sorry if I wasn't a perfect granddaughter,
but you are the perfect grandmother to me.

You taught me so many things about life.
And I will never never ever forget about it.

Thank you.

Too good to be true.

Hello, beautiful people.

If you're wondering how am I, I'm...... good but not so good.

My grandmother can no longer eat or drink, she's definitely doing well and her clock is ticking very fast.

Yes, if you ask me, yes, I am afraid.

But, 

I guess maybe its also the best for her because she had been too strong for way too long.

Looking at the tubes all over her, and she is traumatised by the doctors putting tubes everywhere, I feel so bad for her.

I don't think I can do anything other than praying that she won't be in pain because I know she is living in hell right now.

I'm sorry, popo.

I can't do anything for you.

But I want you to know I love you very much.

Anyways, what have I been up to?

I had been visiting my grandma, getting busy with loads or work, 

spending time with my family and relatives.

And trying to be healthy.

And.. thinking of.. oh, nevermind.

Had pizza for dinner just cause it was raining and my family is lazy to go out because we all woke up at 6am for the Cheng Beng festival where we need to go to the cemetery and pray for our family members who is no longer on Earth with us.

It would sound weird when I tell you I had a great time just cause its the only time all the relatives gather together and discuss about random things and I don't know, I'm happy to visit my deceased paternal grandparents and my uncle.

I miss them alot.

But i know everyone has to leave this world one day. 

And its gonna be a happy thing if we still keep the happy memories in our hearts and mind.

I mean, that's all it matters if someone leaves us right?

Although I know that........

***

Anyways, I watched THIS movie just now.

It's actually a movie made in 2004. It's too good. I can re-watch it again and again non stop. Although I only watched once so far =.= BUT i fell in love with it. So, if YOU have the time, download it and watch. It so goooooood, I can't even..

But, its too good to be true.

Like, ... nevermind.

Toodles! :]

Where are the colours?

Hi readers.

My world right now is like this picture right here.

No bright smiles.
No positive quotes.
No colours.

Just black and white.
Just sadness and tears.
And of course, a negative post.

I'm definitely having a life crisis right now. Apart from my health problems, relationship problems and studies pressure, my grandmother biopsy finally came out. And, she is at the fourth stage secondary liver cancer. Its bad, really bad. The cancer spread to every corner of her body. She is filled with tubes and wires around her. She is so thin. She start to talk random nonsense. She can barely recognise me. She's on morphine to relieve her pain. To see her in pain, it hurts me so so so badly.

To know that her clock is ticking so fast, it hurts me so bad.
To know she is leaving, VERY VERY SOON, breaks me down into pieces.
To know we would never ever see her again, we want to save her but we are useless,

That feeling fucking hurts. SO BADLY.

Honestly I dont know how to go through all these. Yes, technically I'm 20. But, my birthday hasn't arrive yet so im actually 19. How am I suppose to.. go through so many things at once at this age?

I don't know how to deal with changes.
I don't know how to deal with death.
I don't know how to deal with lost.

I was once the happiest girl on earth.
Now she's just somewhere else.

And I'm sitting here for hours,
spacing out,
thinking about life.

If life is about letting someone you love go ALL THE TIME,
then I don't wanna live.

Really.

Whether that person you love is dead or alive, if he/she is gone means they are gone.
Honestly, I don't know how long I can hold on.
I don't know how long I can keep that smile on my face anymore.

I just need someone's shoulder to cry on really badly.

LIKE REALLY BADLY.

Cycle of Life.

Hello,

It's time for a "philosophical" post again :D

Referring to the title of my post, 

what does cycle of life really mean?

This?

Yeah. I know, its lame.

And ugly.

Although music is an art,

and I've been going for art class my whole life till I was Form 3,

I'm just not talented in drawing.

Heh.

But anyway,

I'm thinking if God really has his plans for everyone.

Sometimes, I really think God is watching and He is fair.

Well, that's what my mom said, at least.

She said, if God gives you something, He will take it something else from you as well.

Just like mah uteruses and kidney.

Feels weird to use plural for uterus and singular for kidney.

HAH. GRAMMAR NAZIS, you can't correct me in THIS :P

ANYWAYS,

I was thinking, life is really about quality and quantity.

This doesn't only apply in food or work.

Actually, I'm not so sure about life.

But I hope God is planning a good flowchart for my life.

Cause I'm not so sure what He's making me go through.

And I'm not so happy about that :(

Anyway, on the other hand, I lost both my ruler and my favourite mechanic pencil. So after 3 weeks, I found it, it wasn't in my room, or bag or whatsoever. It was in a practice room in my uni. And after 3 weeks, I found it. I was kinda upset when I lost because I'm quite particular about my stuff and even the smallest things in the world, if I feel it meant something to me, I will never throw it away. That explains why my room is so messy.

The thing is, when I lost my pencil, I thought it's lost. But after so long, I found it back, and its like, it makes me question myself why did the pencil came to me when I lost hope. Mmm, I'm just weird in my own ways..

And then I lost my ruler, my favourite ruler, and i got upset. And then when I found it, I broke it in the stupidest ways, and then I got upset again :(

But I still keep a piece of it with me. Eventhough it's totally useless to me.

Anyways, I think I'm really weird. In the sense that, I keep too much things in my mind, whether its memories or things, my mind just can't stop talking about memories every single day. And it sorts of kill me knowing that somethings has changed. And I'm the kind of person who can never accept changes. Can, but I'll take the longest time ever and I'll sort of get depressed and not show it.

I talk to my friends, but I think its a burden to let them know since they don't know how to help me.
So that explains, why I'm writing such a long post right now and you readers don't understand a word I say.

But for now, I got to go and finish up my assignments that I need to hand in tomorrow, BYE :)